One should never invite J to a child's birthday party. It will never, ever end well. Not even if you force her into a clown suit, but that's a story for another time.
Last weekend was the birthday of A's baby brother, who isn't exactly a baby anymore. Still, many of his friends are yet to reach 18 and despite their age range are mostly around 5 years younger than us. They were never going to win any drinking contests with A (or her father) but they gave it their best shot...and paid dearly.
Dumbass showed up rocking a new tattoo- if that's the right word for a drunken mistake consisting of one of his mates' names on his upper arm. He brought along a slab of beer for himself and spent most of the night alternating between smoking with J and flirting with all the young females. He didn't score, but then he was always planning to speed dial one of the lady friends he regularly booty calls. Considering he's balding way before the age of 25, Dumbass goes alright. His lady of the night (although not a lady of the night) was a leggy blonde you could swear you'd seen on the side of a bus modeling some pricey underwear.
M came bringing flavoured vodka (perfect choice for the kiddies M!) and no man in tow. No boyfriend co-worker and no recent guilty hook-up E. Apparently she hasn't spoken to either of them all week. M's a perfect drinking buddy for the kids, because she can't hold her liquor. She was climbing up trees, laughing hysterically, posing for photos with people she didn't know, stealing party people's hats and throwing cake in everyone's face. She and a very drunk birthday boy took a series of 'pimp' photos and took a pizza to offer to late night workers hopping off the train.
A was being responsible and dishing out punch and taking control of the music. Which meant Def Leppard was on the playlist and A and a few of her brother's friends were running around the streets stealing underwear and socks from someone's washing line and wearing them on her head. She then took a few of them to the playground for whiskey shots and running down slides. Unfortunately a few couldn't handle it and took ill, spending the rest of the evening throwing up in buckets or on the ground. One guy nearly got hit by a train when he was running for some bushes to pass out in.
Maybe A should have been keeping a better watch on J. J promised she'd keep it in her pants, but that's one promise she can't keep once the tequila comes out. She was flirting most of the night, but was planning on catching up with occasional boyfriend occasional fuck buddy Motley Crue later on. However a conversation on classic rock with one of the 17-year-olds got her more than a little interested and when A had her back turned to ear mudcake the pair started making out. A was shocked and apalled when turning around but managed to hide the hook-up from the rest of the partygoers and hissed at J that she take her 'leopard print dressed cougar ass home'. J laughed and told A to relax and have a drink. A did so and J snuck off to the park with the young boy. All the local parks are, of course, where J takes all of her conquests. However J may have underestimated just how young the boy was and how...ahem, inexperienced this meant he was. She got home feeling disappointed and unsatisfied and realising that when you're partying with boys of a certain age, the park may not be where you want to end your night and there is not enough tequila in the world to wipe the awkward memory out.
At least we all know what the boys will be gossiping about at school tomorrow.