"Normal is the watchword"

Sometimes I think this blog should have a disclaimer. Not really, because this is just what everyone talks about after a few cocktails right? I mean, what hand do you masturbate with?

The question of the week: just how gross is it to have sex with your period? Is it gross as in never ever ever go there gross, or is it gross in a well-its-not-perfect-but-what-is-fuck-it-lets-do-it kind of way?

Naturally, J had plenty of stories involving the wrong time of the month. Some of them involved ditching a tampon behind a tree and fucking a guy in a bush and not mentioning a thing to him, even though he may have ended up walking home with blood all over his face. The scene by Nikki Sixx in The Dirt? If we were alive then, J would SO have been that girl. The point? J will never let anything get in the way of her sex life. And she's found that most guys don't seem to have a problem with it. Of course, they probably would if their attention was brought to it. But apparently Motley Crue actually seemed to enjoy it...maybe he was thinking of himself as Nikki Sixx.

A and M are both not fans. But then again, neither of them fancy sex in the park and do not want to be cleaning their beds out in the morning.

As for L, she uses it as an excuse not to have sex with guys. And the charming ones who suggest it doesn't matter and she can just 'bleach the shit out of it' in the morning? Yeah, no one is ever going home with those guys. Even J wouldn't take them home. But maybe to their place.

"Passer by pass me by to love you still"

The awkward moment when you're sitting at Subway at 4am with honey mustard dripping down your chin and a guy tries to pick you up...And it's the third time that month.

The awkward moment when you're on a pity date with a guy who's nice but you just aren't that into him...and he has a really hot friend.

The awkward moment when a guy you go to uni with calls you in the morning to check you got home okay...and you swear you didn't see him the previous night....in fact you haven't seen him in 6 months and hardly know him except he has class with a few of your friends...and you were 100% sure you'd never traded numbers...and his name is spelled incorrectly in your phone.

November.  First signs of sunshine and insanity. Love it.

"Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl, the one who, throws it all away"

Poor, naive, innocent L.

She got into a massive panic the other day about going prematurely grey and the fact that, although her hairdresser dyed her hair a couple of months ago her hair was more salt than pepper. As in, she was noticeably grey. In her twenties. A, always the best giver of advice (yeah, right) told her to shut the fuck up and just pick up some dye at the chemist. Apparently A has been grey for years but no one notices because she dyes it every couple of weeks. Maybe it's a law student thing. Stress.

Anyway, unlike A, L has no idea how to dye hair. Luckily for her, J agreed to do it. Little known fact: J fancies herself as a bit of a hairdresser. Back in high school she convinced M she was awesome at cutting hair and 'gave her a trim'- which resulted in M having massively uneven hair and having to get her mum to spend a fortune at hairdressers fixing it up. She was also the genius that suggested burning off split ends. Um...no. She also managed to fuck up H's hair completely once but somehow H pulled it off because she was just that cool. L? Not so. Not she isn't cool it's just...she's not.

L is now currently sporting half black half reddish brown half grey (yes that's 3 halves, but who's counting?) hair which looks like a disaster. It is obvious. And she feels like she can't even tell J because J is surprisingly sensitive about her hair skills. What a disaster.

In order to make herself feel better she took herself out for post exam drinks. Well, A and her uni friends took her out. L decided she needed a way to stop making people look at her hair so she tied it up messy bun style and wore a super short, super low cut (and L has assets) bright purple dress with red lipstick. You can guarantee no one noticed the fuck up job on her scalp. Anyway after a few tequila shots, a few beers, a few wines, a few appletinis and a few more tequila shots, L vanished. Everyone assumed she'd snuck off to hook up (not really L's style, but every guy in the place was hitting on her) and continued their drink and dance off. About an hour later A received a semi-hysterical phone call from L saying she was in a taxi somewhere in the suburbs and could A meet her at her house to pay for the taxi because she had no money and it was apparently a long drive back to town. No one wants to end up in Ferntree Gully. A decided to move the party back to L's place (thank god her mum is on a business trip) and met A outside her house babbling and looking extremely distressed.

Apparently L had met a lovely fellow earlier, they had chatted a bit and he had suggested they go for a drink elsewhere. L eagerly agreed. A just looked at L and said 'you mean he wanted his next drink to be out of your arse?'. L ignored her. Despite the fact that said guy had been making out with her and feeling her up in the taxi (and trying to get her to feel him up although she wasn't going there in a semi-public setting) L was still convinced they were just off to another pub. Until she realised she'd been in the car about half an hour, they were no where near the city of any other pubs, and the taxi was pulling up in front of a house. The guy was practically ripping L's dress off in the street and telling her he wanted to fuck her. L had a major freakout, yelled at him 'I thought we were going for a drink!' and ran. Bolted. Got into a taxi and gave him her address before realising she was in the middle of bloody nowhere and couldn't afford to get home.

Luckily A had cash. And had sent friends down the street for more tequila.

But honestly L, when you got into the cab with the touchy feel guy how did you not know what he was after?

"Dos!"

In order to get herself over her ex-boyfriend, G has booked herself a 3 month trip to South America before she starts work next year and decided to get a tattoo. Well, at least she's getting out of the house a bit. Even if she is still spending way too much time with her ex.

M told E she didn't want to have sex anymore if they weren't going to be in a proper relationship. Cue awkwardness. E told her he didn't know what he wanted. Typical. M stood her ground though and told him they would always be friends but she was never going to be able to have sex with him unless it was for real. And that if he doesn't get his shit together it's not like she's going to be hanging around waiting for him. Kick ass M.

L is enjoying summer hanging around in cafes in sunny days and showing up to work once a week.

A has realised she's an idiot. She enrolled in summer school to make up for subjects she's failed and/or hasn't taken and now has to spend more of her summer in the library than at the beach.

J has come down with a horrible cold/hayfever combination which has caused her to skip dates and leave grunge gigs early. She better get healthy soon.

"Are you insane? (Are you kidding me?)"

C is home! After four months of hilarious posts and photos showing up on facebook, drunken antics and the kind of craziness that only comes from travel he has returned to the land of...well, us.

But C is perhaps not the same guy that left us. For one thing, he hasn't come back alone. He has come back in a relationship. With another guy.

C has always been the guy who seems kinda gay but isn't. He is slightly flamboyant and  his interests include Freddie Mercury, musical theatre and singing along to p!nk. All of his relationships, his flings and most of his hook-ups have been with those of the female persuasion. He's never been against a bit of experimentation but, up until now, that's all it had been. Experimentation. He's always wanted a family and kids so it was always sort of assumed he'd end up with a girl. If course, he's always been a whore so it wasn't necessarily assumed he'd end up with anyone. But apparently he managed to pick up and older, rich Irish bloke in his travels. Said bloke is even following him to Australia for a few months.

C has started to talk about settling down and maybe moving into a place with him. He sounds nostalgic about his old life of dancing around stripper poles and slutting around but he doesn't seem to really miss it. He seems content to stay at home with his new boy and watch Can of Worms. And nothing says succumbing to coupledom like watching Can of Worms. Nothing.

A is horrified. So is J since they used to have so much in common, but C has been one of A's closest friends for years. And he has been a party friend. What is she supposed to do with him now? C always used to be the guy who was up for anything, and always had the best solutions fro drunk injuries (vodka cruiser label anyone?) and now? He's at home watching Can of Worms. Commitment-phobic A and party-girl J just may have meltdowns.

"Jesus stole my girlfriend"

Good Sex

After A yelled at J and kicked her out of her house for being a drunken mess (but a hot drunken mess) J went partying with her new friend who is exactly like her- into rock music, sex and short skirts- and bumped into Motley Crue and his new ugly suburban girlfriend. J smiled and said hello but started panicking that she was left looking like the pathetic and lonely one. Don't know why she was so panicked, as if would ever be the pathetic one in a break-up. After a few hours and a few dozen beers Motley's new girl appeared to chuck a tantrum and left with one of his mates. J was dodging 'the one', who'd shown up because she'd 'accidentally' texted him, and a random 'strawberry blonde' (ie ranga) she'd ditched a couple of weeks prior after throwing up in a cab. She got her new friend to distract them (she later went home with a guy in a kickass red coat who was neither 'the one' nor had orange hair) while she started hitting on a guy with a mohawk. She winked at Motley Crue when she left to go have sex with the mohawk guy in the park. Yeah, J is never going to be the one leaving a club alone.

A having sex with V in a pub bathroom in the middle of the day because she decided to spend all afternoon drinking cider in the sun rather than studying. V later headed out to DJ at some swanky club while A went home to nap and read about ethics. Because ethical is her middle name.

Bad Sex

M admitting she has slept with E twice in the past week but they haven't discussed what it means or getting back together. The sex itself has apparently been quite good but there's nothing as dangerous as sex with an ex. At least in M's case because she's still partly in love with E and was really wrecked by their  break-up and has always sought of believed they would get back together. E doesn't appear to know what he wants. Which is so typically male.

Everyone's sneaking suspicion that G is having sex with her ex-boyfriend. She hasn't come home a couple of nights this week and considering she has barely left the house at all since the break-up, it's hard to think she's out having a good time. She's still acting depressed but is at least eating again. She admitted she's been texting her ex almost every day but claims its just a friend thing. A is seriously concerned, but is too busy trying to figure out what the fuck she's done with her ethics to help out. G doesn't want to hear anyone's advice anyway, if anything was learned from her screaming conversation with one of her friends about how she is not cutting her ex from her life and she wants to stay friends and he does too.

"It's so creative--coupons for hugs, which are usually free, but this makes it official, which is so great"

G has been driving A insane with her non-stop crying, her puffy face and the fact that she won't eat anything. Not even chocolate. A feels bad for her, but she just can't do all the emotional shit. She's never been good at that and is getting increasingly sick of G talking about her ex. A's advice basically consists of telling G to book herself a holiday somewhere sunny or leaving strategically placed glasses of vodka and orange juice around the house. Unable to stand the depression, she basically invited J to come stay for awhile to brighten the mood up around the place. J, who already finished her exams, was eager. Never mind that her relationship advice is about as useless, if not more so, than A's. Well except for the fact that numerous taxi drivers have spilled their heart out to J over the years while she makes drunken sympathetic noises and texts everyone she knows asking why people always seem to think she will care.

A is supposed to be studying, but that never works out with J around. J keeps inviting all her friends round, like her minor rock star gang, and Druggie. Instead of eating they drink several bottles of wine and smoke weed. They dance manicly for hours and occasionally sit and  play card games until they pass out on the floor. J keeps trying to get G involved but she just wants to stay in bed. No surprise really, as she wouldn't have been interested pre-break-up. J is busy getting A drunk instead, and A fries chicken and eats it with half-cooked pasta instead of reading legislation.

M and E have been hanging out together a lot. They claim it's just a friend thing but we all have our doubts. Maybe M wants to keep it on the down low, lest she upset G anymore.

"Pour youself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together"

G isn't sleeping or eating. She's completely and utterly miserable, and probably only making it worse by forcing herself to hang out with mutual friends and seeing her ex-boyfriend constantly. She refuses to give up pub trivia nights she's been attending for years just because her and her boyfriend broke up. It's certainly not helping her get over him. Especially since they both seem to fragile to inform some of their friends that they're actually broken up and some of them even make jokes assuming they are still together. Awkward. She then goes home and cries herself to sleep. A doesn't know what to do.

She tried dragging G out with herself, J, M and L for Halloween because we all love drunken dress-ups. Even better when it comes with live music. A was in zombie gear, bumming cigarettes with no shame whatsoever and trying to chat up guys for G. Unsurprisingly, G was not interested. She didn't even make an appearance in the mosh pit. Too busy worrying about crushing her faiyr wings. L went home early to study, while M kept conversing with randoms about all her new Ikea furniture. In particular an easel she bought that she thinks is super cool and cheap.

J bumped into 'the one' and his surprisingly attractive girlfriend. Okay, perhaps not surprisingly as 'the one' isn't bad-looking, in fact he's quite good-looking and also has an English accent, it's just that he reeks of desperation. They were acting all coupley and cuddling in a corner but 'the one' was quick to jump up and hug J and spent so much time chatting to her his new girlfriend went to the bar and was gone for about half an hour. 'the one' didn't even seem to notice until J pointed out she thought his girlfriend had cracked the shits. He went to go find her and they left soon after. J then went to go chat to the hot guitarist who had flicked his pick at her after the set, but it turned out he was the designated driver and was taking the rest of the (wasted) band home. He told J to look him up on facebook but she didn't bother. She considered the whole thing a waste of her cat costume.

The next morning was all about rinsing fake blood (from costumes) and real blood (from jumping off the stage) off our skin and eating kebabs. Except for G, who was just moping around the house. A suggested she go drop by footballer's place but the look G gave her suggested she drop dead. Whatever. Nothing makes an ex jealous like an affair with a footballer.

"98 out of 100 people at that party would walk over my corpse for free gum."

Fun times had screaming 'Who the fuck gets married on Derby Day?!' as we walk along the river and a couple are having their wedding on a boat. Yeah, we may have just ruined the most special day of someone's life.

That's what we think of marriage. And life.

And who the fuck does get married on Derby Day?

What we're doing this month...

Loving: lazing in the sun reading Cosmo
Listening to: No Doubt's Push and Shove
Crushing on: Alexander Skarsgard...oh god yes
Worshipping: The Chaser boys are back
Eating: cashew nuts
Drinking: gin and cranberry juice
Rocking: spiked boots
Reading: Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
Failing: to show up at our exams on time