"I'm trying to get a hold on this"

It's a well established fact that generally fun people hate New Year's Eve. The idea of forced fun makes the spontaneous shudder. The idea of paying three times more for a night out makes us feel despair. Not to mention the oldies and the children that suddenly appear all over town and the fact that getting a taxi is impossible.

M has decided on the classic 'if you can't beat em join em' route and is going to an oldie BBQ which is likely to have her in bed not long after midnight. NYE is no longer the evening for crazy antics. If it ever was.

J is off camping at a music festival with Druggie, her new boyfriend and a few other buddies. She got a whole bunch of alcohol stolen off her on the first night and someone (most likely Druggie to be honest) pissed in her baby pool. It's already all falling apart. At least she can get high and stare into space and feel like she's having a good time.

L and G are spending the night with respective new (old whatever) boyfriends which is giving A the shits. She's decided to organise a poker night with her remaining uni friends and mull over how much they don't want to graduate at the end of the coming year.

NYE generally means someone will get emotional and have a break-down, the booze will run an out an hour too early and at least 5 people you don't know will send you a text message wishing you a happy new year and saying they love you.

"Roll on"

Non-stop moshing to The Living End on their retrospective tour.

Dodging couples because we hate PDA and co-dependency. Yeah L, that now includes you.

Midnight shopping for Christmas presents.

Being hungover as fuck from the work Christmas party...three days later.

Risky hook-ups with guys met on the street late at night. Not even just J. A and M have done it too.

Candles and sangria at the night market.

Summer. December. Holidays. Yes.

"Something ain't quite right, you got the devil on your side, standing to your right come on"

G has decided to still go on her South America trip despite her no-longer-ex-boyfriend not wanting her to. She invited him along, but he doesn't have the money. He is disappointed she is still going but says he understands. They are still back together. She is leaving in 2 weeks. A admitted she may have (may have?) overreacted about them getting back together, but their friendship is rocky at best. G is going to be away for almost 3 months, so A's little brother is going to be her housemate for the rest of the summer. G isn't sure whether she'll want to move back in after her and A's big fight. She is thinking about perhaps moving into a place with her boyfriend.

'the one' and his girlfriend officially broke up on facebook and he told J it was all over. J had a mild freakout that it was all her fault since they have been having issues over him hanging out with her and dancing with her at club. J, of course, wants nothing from him but his friendship, but 'the one' is still into her so you can see why his girlfriend (okay ex) is freaking out a bit. But really, if you can't trust your guy you shouldn't be together. He will always be tempted by someone. And that is apparently the conclusion she has come to. 'the one' seemed unusually down about the break-up so J took him out with a couple of his mates. Unfortunately 'the one' became emotionally drunk and crying and had to be taken home. His arsehole friend that J had sex with one time started acting like a prat and making comments about J's bra size. It was really not an enjoyable night for anyone.

L has apparently been hooking up with one of her and A's uni friends for the last month. A is pissed that L never mentioned it to her. L finally confessed to her after one of their mutual friends caught them together and asked A if she knew what was up. L doesn't want to label it and the word 'boyfriend' is freaking her out so she wants to keep it on the down low. Pity A can't keep a secret. Unless it's her secret. L is content with friends with benefits but relationships still scare her. Good to see the commitment phobia alive and well.

Meanwhile M is trying to figure out what to buy her father's married girlfriend for Christmas and Druggie is searching for a new therapist. You can't go wrong with scented hand cream...right?

"I don't like it when you assfuck my best friend in the heart"

G and her ex-boyfriend are back together. Officially. Despite the fact that they were broken up for over a month some of their mutual friends never even found out. "Things are back to normal" G declared, brushing her breakdown under the rug and pretending she didn't spend a week crying and unable to get out of bed. A is livid. He broke her heart. And now she plans on pretending nothing happened? She's not even making him work for it. No boomboxes outside her window, no back-together dinner, just nothing.

He even wants her to cancel her South America trip. A became furious at the idea and her and G got in a huge fight. A told G she was a moron for getting back together with a guy who showed no empathy and broke her heart and their relationship was going through a bad phase anyway. G told A she was a bitch who knew nothing about what it took to sustain an actual relationship because all she has is a series of dodgy one-night-stands. A responded by having a loud, energetic marathon sex session with V to prove not all her sex is dodgy. Of course, V has just returned from a trip to Thailand with a few mates and another girl he's sleeping with.

J is freaking out because it appears 'the one' and his girlfriend are having jealously issues and public fights/breakdowns on facebook. She doesn't want to be egocentric, but his girlfriend saw them chatting last week and has always hated J because 'the one' is obsessed with her. It's not J's fault. Yeah, she slept with him once. But it was a freaky one-night-stand in a park. She's never lead him on since then and just wants to be mates. Why does this keep happening to her?

L caught up with H (but no B and K because they are giving her the shits and keep harassing her to hang out and then saying they are never free). Apparently H and accidental date and her have started a band and are about to try to crack the music business. In India. While H has always been into music and played in a variety of garage rock bands (and she used to know most of the people in the local music scene until she dropped off the social circuit completely) being an Indian pop star had never exactly been her dream. And she would never spend 3 months living with a boyfriend's family. But at least it's exciting. That, if nothing else, shows that some things never change. Even if everything else does.

"I never wanna act my age"

What? Who told you that wine made an inappropriate breakfast or that it's not 'adult' to have cereal for dinner? Pfft. Actually maybe it's not 'adult' but who wants to act their age anyway?

It's summer. Which means working ridiculous hours in retail and/or hospitality dealing with irritating customers. Really, you can't use an EFTPOS machine? Were you born in the 1800s? And who exactly thought it would be a good idea to have the drunken riot Christmas party at Taco Bill? Luckily, it also means spending time in pubs and arguing with barstaff about cricket (yes Ricky Ponting is a legend) and whether or not a martini should be shaken not stirred (yes Skyfall is the best Daniel Craig Bond yet, and thank god because we all want to forget Quantum of Solace). Isn't daylight savings and sun well past 8pm great?

Beer and the beach just go together so ridiculously well.

"We are never ever getting back together"

There's nothing attractive about responsibility.

A is playing boring and basically living in the uni library so J is hanging out with her rock and roll friends. 'the one' is still with his girlfriend but always stares at J in a creepy way. She gets along well with most of his mates, except for one she has had sex with and who is a sexist asshole. She also has a bunch of new hippie friends she's also been hanging out with and going on day trips with. She bumped into best-sex-she's-ever-had over the weekend and said hi but his child bride girlfriend was with him as well as another friend of his J went on a date with once and happens to hate because he's boring and irritating. Her life is getting a little incestuous. Oh well.

Druggie had to move out after breaking up with her boyfriend and ended up back in the 'burbs with her parents. They stole her weed supply so she's basically moved in with her old friend she was sharing romantic texts with before the break-up. He also lives with her parents but she's decided that doesn't matter and they have very loud sex.

M and E are backing to being good friends after her ultimatum. He admitted he still has feelings for her but that he thinks he needs to have some time being single. This makes sense considering his 1,2,3 relationships with psycho ex, M and the NZ girl. M made it clear she is not waiting around for him and that she will move on but she understands where he is coming from. They are determined to stay friends and things are flowing better than they have for months. They finally seem to have made some concrete decisions. M is being strong. She will not be the girl who waits for the guy. She is enjoying her life and having an awesome friendship with E. She doesn't think they will get back together anymore and the idea is freeing for her. She can finally let go of the past and retain a great friendship. Which is how it should be.

G has managed to finally pick up the pieces. She got a tattoo and booked herself a trip to South America and is feeling good about life. She decided she and her ex-boyfriend simply weren't meant to be and it was time to stop moping. Excellent news. She also confessed to A she'd had sex with him twice since breaking up but that it didn't mean anything and it was definitely not going to happen again. A was pissed but figured if G actually told her about it then it meant it wasn't going to happen again. G had a big conversation with her ex that she was finally ready to move on but she wanted to stay friends because they had so much history together. He responded by telling her he wants to get back together.

What the fuck?! G has been a mess for over a month and he waits until she finally gets her shit together before deciding he made a mistake and telling her he wants to get back together with her. Selfish. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He was obviously jealous of her chatting to one of their single mutual friends at trivia- they weren't even flirting. He doesn't want G to have anyone else, but he isn't exactly making a strong case for wanting her back either. He is just being weak. And stupid.

A has made her feelings clear on the matter- 'How can you ever even consider getting back with someone who hurt you like that?' but G pointed out that A knows shit about relationships and sometimes it's about forgiveness.

But she still hasn't made a decision.

"Hurricane knew you would"

Oh P, how we have missed you and your gossip about the gay life. But Christmas is approaching, which means Christmas parties and randomly bumping into people you haven't seen in ages and inviting them out for a drink which always seems to involve getting ridiculously drunk and somehow losing your shirt. Or is that just us?

P entertained A and J with stories of how he has been on literally hundreds of dates this year with everyone from tradies to lawyers to freaks who think it's appropriate to bring their ecstasy addicted friends on dates because "I promised I'd buy her dinner". Not to mention the awkward conversation he had with his ex when telling him all his dating stories and then asking how he'd been. His ex had been on exactly one date since they broke up, over a year ago. All P had to say to that was "Um...Grindr?" But then, P has always been very popular in the gay scene.

Then there was the very public breakdown one of his mates had at a gay club after P made out with the guy (and possibly jerked him off on a the couch) he apparently liked, which resulted in P telling him that he was after everyone and hey if he got to call everyone no one else would ever get laid. His mate called him a drama queen and started posting nasty things on twitter. P got laid. And got to see everything in his mirror, which runs the entire length of his wall.

P also apparently has a new fuck buddy with a fast tongue who only ever texts him 2 things: "Come blow me" and "I'll be right over". J's response? "That is my dream man." P told her he was also seeing this bi guy who wanted to have a threesome and asked if she was interested. A was pissed off that he hadn't asked if she was interested but P plainly pointed out he knows A hates to share and wouldn't be interested. J said she'd think about it.

At least on this occasion, P didn't give any lectures on how a choc top isn't just something you get at the movies.

What we're doing this month....

Loving: drinking cider and lazing in the sun
Listening to: Black Rabbits by Grinspoon
Crushing on: Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Worshipping: hot weather
Eating: potato salad
Drinking: old fashioneds...too much Mad Men perhaps?
Rocking: loose singlets over bikini tops
Reading: The Trial by Franz Kafka
Failing: summer school

"Normal is the watchword"

Sometimes I think this blog should have a disclaimer. Not really, because this is just what everyone talks about after a few cocktails right? I mean, what hand do you masturbate with?

The question of the week: just how gross is it to have sex with your period? Is it gross as in never ever ever go there gross, or is it gross in a well-its-not-perfect-but-what-is-fuck-it-lets-do-it kind of way?

Naturally, J had plenty of stories involving the wrong time of the month. Some of them involved ditching a tampon behind a tree and fucking a guy in a bush and not mentioning a thing to him, even though he may have ended up walking home with blood all over his face. The scene by Nikki Sixx in The Dirt? If we were alive then, J would SO have been that girl. The point? J will never let anything get in the way of her sex life. And she's found that most guys don't seem to have a problem with it. Of course, they probably would if their attention was brought to it. But apparently Motley Crue actually seemed to enjoy it...maybe he was thinking of himself as Nikki Sixx.

A and M are both not fans. But then again, neither of them fancy sex in the park and do not want to be cleaning their beds out in the morning.

As for L, she uses it as an excuse not to have sex with guys. And the charming ones who suggest it doesn't matter and she can just 'bleach the shit out of it' in the morning? Yeah, no one is ever going home with those guys. Even J wouldn't take them home. But maybe to their place.

"Passer by pass me by to love you still"

The awkward moment when you're sitting at Subway at 4am with honey mustard dripping down your chin and a guy tries to pick you up...And it's the third time that month.

The awkward moment when you're on a pity date with a guy who's nice but you just aren't that into him...and he has a really hot friend.

The awkward moment when a guy you go to uni with calls you in the morning to check you got home okay...and you swear you didn't see him the previous night....in fact you haven't seen him in 6 months and hardly know him except he has class with a few of your friends...and you were 100% sure you'd never traded numbers...and his name is spelled incorrectly in your phone.

November.  First signs of sunshine and insanity. Love it.

"Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl, the one who, throws it all away"

Poor, naive, innocent L.

She got into a massive panic the other day about going prematurely grey and the fact that, although her hairdresser dyed her hair a couple of months ago her hair was more salt than pepper. As in, she was noticeably grey. In her twenties. A, always the best giver of advice (yeah, right) told her to shut the fuck up and just pick up some dye at the chemist. Apparently A has been grey for years but no one notices because she dyes it every couple of weeks. Maybe it's a law student thing. Stress.

Anyway, unlike A, L has no idea how to dye hair. Luckily for her, J agreed to do it. Little known fact: J fancies herself as a bit of a hairdresser. Back in high school she convinced M she was awesome at cutting hair and 'gave her a trim'- which resulted in M having massively uneven hair and having to get her mum to spend a fortune at hairdressers fixing it up. She was also the genius that suggested burning off split ends. Um...no. She also managed to fuck up H's hair completely once but somehow H pulled it off because she was just that cool. L? Not so. Not she isn't cool it's just...she's not.

L is now currently sporting half black half reddish brown half grey (yes that's 3 halves, but who's counting?) hair which looks like a disaster. It is obvious. And she feels like she can't even tell J because J is surprisingly sensitive about her hair skills. What a disaster.

In order to make herself feel better she took herself out for post exam drinks. Well, A and her uni friends took her out. L decided she needed a way to stop making people look at her hair so she tied it up messy bun style and wore a super short, super low cut (and L has assets) bright purple dress with red lipstick. You can guarantee no one noticed the fuck up job on her scalp. Anyway after a few tequila shots, a few beers, a few wines, a few appletinis and a few more tequila shots, L vanished. Everyone assumed she'd snuck off to hook up (not really L's style, but every guy in the place was hitting on her) and continued their drink and dance off. About an hour later A received a semi-hysterical phone call from L saying she was in a taxi somewhere in the suburbs and could A meet her at her house to pay for the taxi because she had no money and it was apparently a long drive back to town. No one wants to end up in Ferntree Gully. A decided to move the party back to L's place (thank god her mum is on a business trip) and met A outside her house babbling and looking extremely distressed.

Apparently L had met a lovely fellow earlier, they had chatted a bit and he had suggested they go for a drink elsewhere. L eagerly agreed. A just looked at L and said 'you mean he wanted his next drink to be out of your arse?'. L ignored her. Despite the fact that said guy had been making out with her and feeling her up in the taxi (and trying to get her to feel him up although she wasn't going there in a semi-public setting) L was still convinced they were just off to another pub. Until she realised she'd been in the car about half an hour, they were no where near the city of any other pubs, and the taxi was pulling up in front of a house. The guy was practically ripping L's dress off in the street and telling her he wanted to fuck her. L had a major freakout, yelled at him 'I thought we were going for a drink!' and ran. Bolted. Got into a taxi and gave him her address before realising she was in the middle of bloody nowhere and couldn't afford to get home.

Luckily A had cash. And had sent friends down the street for more tequila.

But honestly L, when you got into the cab with the touchy feel guy how did you not know what he was after?

"Dos!"

In order to get herself over her ex-boyfriend, G has booked herself a 3 month trip to South America before she starts work next year and decided to get a tattoo. Well, at least she's getting out of the house a bit. Even if she is still spending way too much time with her ex.

M told E she didn't want to have sex anymore if they weren't going to be in a proper relationship. Cue awkwardness. E told her he didn't know what he wanted. Typical. M stood her ground though and told him they would always be friends but she was never going to be able to have sex with him unless it was for real. And that if he doesn't get his shit together it's not like she's going to be hanging around waiting for him. Kick ass M.

L is enjoying summer hanging around in cafes in sunny days and showing up to work once a week.

A has realised she's an idiot. She enrolled in summer school to make up for subjects she's failed and/or hasn't taken and now has to spend more of her summer in the library than at the beach.

J has come down with a horrible cold/hayfever combination which has caused her to skip dates and leave grunge gigs early. She better get healthy soon.

"Are you insane? (Are you kidding me?)"

C is home! After four months of hilarious posts and photos showing up on facebook, drunken antics and the kind of craziness that only comes from travel he has returned to the land of...well, us.

But C is perhaps not the same guy that left us. For one thing, he hasn't come back alone. He has come back in a relationship. With another guy.

C has always been the guy who seems kinda gay but isn't. He is slightly flamboyant and  his interests include Freddie Mercury, musical theatre and singing along to p!nk. All of his relationships, his flings and most of his hook-ups have been with those of the female persuasion. He's never been against a bit of experimentation but, up until now, that's all it had been. Experimentation. He's always wanted a family and kids so it was always sort of assumed he'd end up with a girl. If course, he's always been a whore so it wasn't necessarily assumed he'd end up with anyone. But apparently he managed to pick up and older, rich Irish bloke in his travels. Said bloke is even following him to Australia for a few months.

C has started to talk about settling down and maybe moving into a place with him. He sounds nostalgic about his old life of dancing around stripper poles and slutting around but he doesn't seem to really miss it. He seems content to stay at home with his new boy and watch Can of Worms. And nothing says succumbing to coupledom like watching Can of Worms. Nothing.

A is horrified. So is J since they used to have so much in common, but C has been one of A's closest friends for years. And he has been a party friend. What is she supposed to do with him now? C always used to be the guy who was up for anything, and always had the best solutions fro drunk injuries (vodka cruiser label anyone?) and now? He's at home watching Can of Worms. Commitment-phobic A and party-girl J just may have meltdowns.

"Jesus stole my girlfriend"

Good Sex

After A yelled at J and kicked her out of her house for being a drunken mess (but a hot drunken mess) J went partying with her new friend who is exactly like her- into rock music, sex and short skirts- and bumped into Motley Crue and his new ugly suburban girlfriend. J smiled and said hello but started panicking that she was left looking like the pathetic and lonely one. Don't know why she was so panicked, as if would ever be the pathetic one in a break-up. After a few hours and a few dozen beers Motley's new girl appeared to chuck a tantrum and left with one of his mates. J was dodging 'the one', who'd shown up because she'd 'accidentally' texted him, and a random 'strawberry blonde' (ie ranga) she'd ditched a couple of weeks prior after throwing up in a cab. She got her new friend to distract them (she later went home with a guy in a kickass red coat who was neither 'the one' nor had orange hair) while she started hitting on a guy with a mohawk. She winked at Motley Crue when she left to go have sex with the mohawk guy in the park. Yeah, J is never going to be the one leaving a club alone.

A having sex with V in a pub bathroom in the middle of the day because she decided to spend all afternoon drinking cider in the sun rather than studying. V later headed out to DJ at some swanky club while A went home to nap and read about ethics. Because ethical is her middle name.

Bad Sex

M admitting she has slept with E twice in the past week but they haven't discussed what it means or getting back together. The sex itself has apparently been quite good but there's nothing as dangerous as sex with an ex. At least in M's case because she's still partly in love with E and was really wrecked by their  break-up and has always sought of believed they would get back together. E doesn't appear to know what he wants. Which is so typically male.

Everyone's sneaking suspicion that G is having sex with her ex-boyfriend. She hasn't come home a couple of nights this week and considering she has barely left the house at all since the break-up, it's hard to think she's out having a good time. She's still acting depressed but is at least eating again. She admitted she's been texting her ex almost every day but claims its just a friend thing. A is seriously concerned, but is too busy trying to figure out what the fuck she's done with her ethics to help out. G doesn't want to hear anyone's advice anyway, if anything was learned from her screaming conversation with one of her friends about how she is not cutting her ex from her life and she wants to stay friends and he does too.

"It's so creative--coupons for hugs, which are usually free, but this makes it official, which is so great"

G has been driving A insane with her non-stop crying, her puffy face and the fact that she won't eat anything. Not even chocolate. A feels bad for her, but she just can't do all the emotional shit. She's never been good at that and is getting increasingly sick of G talking about her ex. A's advice basically consists of telling G to book herself a holiday somewhere sunny or leaving strategically placed glasses of vodka and orange juice around the house. Unable to stand the depression, she basically invited J to come stay for awhile to brighten the mood up around the place. J, who already finished her exams, was eager. Never mind that her relationship advice is about as useless, if not more so, than A's. Well except for the fact that numerous taxi drivers have spilled their heart out to J over the years while she makes drunken sympathetic noises and texts everyone she knows asking why people always seem to think she will care.

A is supposed to be studying, but that never works out with J around. J keeps inviting all her friends round, like her minor rock star gang, and Druggie. Instead of eating they drink several bottles of wine and smoke weed. They dance manicly for hours and occasionally sit and  play card games until they pass out on the floor. J keeps trying to get G involved but she just wants to stay in bed. No surprise really, as she wouldn't have been interested pre-break-up. J is busy getting A drunk instead, and A fries chicken and eats it with half-cooked pasta instead of reading legislation.

M and E have been hanging out together a lot. They claim it's just a friend thing but we all have our doubts. Maybe M wants to keep it on the down low, lest she upset G anymore.

"Pour youself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together"

G isn't sleeping or eating. She's completely and utterly miserable, and probably only making it worse by forcing herself to hang out with mutual friends and seeing her ex-boyfriend constantly. She refuses to give up pub trivia nights she's been attending for years just because her and her boyfriend broke up. It's certainly not helping her get over him. Especially since they both seem to fragile to inform some of their friends that they're actually broken up and some of them even make jokes assuming they are still together. Awkward. She then goes home and cries herself to sleep. A doesn't know what to do.

She tried dragging G out with herself, J, M and L for Halloween because we all love drunken dress-ups. Even better when it comes with live music. A was in zombie gear, bumming cigarettes with no shame whatsoever and trying to chat up guys for G. Unsurprisingly, G was not interested. She didn't even make an appearance in the mosh pit. Too busy worrying about crushing her faiyr wings. L went home early to study, while M kept conversing with randoms about all her new Ikea furniture. In particular an easel she bought that she thinks is super cool and cheap.

J bumped into 'the one' and his surprisingly attractive girlfriend. Okay, perhaps not surprisingly as 'the one' isn't bad-looking, in fact he's quite good-looking and also has an English accent, it's just that he reeks of desperation. They were acting all coupley and cuddling in a corner but 'the one' was quick to jump up and hug J and spent so much time chatting to her his new girlfriend went to the bar and was gone for about half an hour. 'the one' didn't even seem to notice until J pointed out she thought his girlfriend had cracked the shits. He went to go find her and they left soon after. J then went to go chat to the hot guitarist who had flicked his pick at her after the set, but it turned out he was the designated driver and was taking the rest of the (wasted) band home. He told J to look him up on facebook but she didn't bother. She considered the whole thing a waste of her cat costume.

The next morning was all about rinsing fake blood (from costumes) and real blood (from jumping off the stage) off our skin and eating kebabs. Except for G, who was just moping around the house. A suggested she go drop by footballer's place but the look G gave her suggested she drop dead. Whatever. Nothing makes an ex jealous like an affair with a footballer.

"98 out of 100 people at that party would walk over my corpse for free gum."

Fun times had screaming 'Who the fuck gets married on Derby Day?!' as we walk along the river and a couple are having their wedding on a boat. Yeah, we may have just ruined the most special day of someone's life.

That's what we think of marriage. And life.

And who the fuck does get married on Derby Day?

What we're doing this month...

Loving: lazing in the sun reading Cosmo
Listening to: No Doubt's Push and Shove
Crushing on: Alexander Skarsgard...oh god yes
Worshipping: The Chaser boys are back
Eating: cashew nuts
Drinking: gin and cranberry juice
Rocking: spiked boots
Reading: Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
Failing: to show up at our exams on time

"I just want everything she's got"

Who are those girls who take selfies of themselves with massive side boob and make it their profile picture on facebook? I mean really.

Maybe we are all just playing a part.

These are the days when A has natural coloured hair and G can't get out of bed because she can't stop crying. They are both moping around the house drinking tea, but for very different reasons. G doesn't understand why she's suddenly single for what seems like the first time this millennium. A has exams, and is also pissed about the fact that she hasn't heard from V since they returned from Bali together. J suggested this may be due to the apparently huge fight they had on the plane home but, as usual, A doesn't want to talk about it.

Even J is feeling unwanted these days what with Motley Crue having a new girlfriend...and so, apparently, does 'the one'. It's not that J likes him but only a week ago 'the one' was obsessed with her. He is now apparently going out with the ex of one of his good mate's and posting mushy statements on facebook. They've been together about 3 days. It is making J sick. No, she doesn't want him, but call her narcissistic and selfish, she doesn't really want him to want anyone else either.

"I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, 'I want you to want me.' Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it?"

In the shock news story of the week, G has been dumped by her boyfriend. The boyfriend she's been with pretty much forever, since high school. They were the couple everyone measured other couples against. They were it. It must be the week for break-ups or something, with Druggie ending things with the guy she's been with for about 4 years. Although G hasn't felt as secure in her relationship in recent times as she she always has, she never expected them to break-up. She really didn't expect him to break up with her. She was completely and utterly devestated.

A rushed home from paintballing (she likes to get her violent on, what of it?) and G was unable to stop crying for hours. A had no idea what to do. She's not good with crying and emotion. She's good with anger and revenge and men-bashing but being commitment-phobic and eternally single means she's hardly qualified to be giving relationship or break-up advice. She normally suggests beer and getting back on the horse. She called M, even though her and G aren't that close, because she figured after M's bad break-up earlier in the year she'd be more help. M brought chocolate and made tea.

There just wasn't much to say. Apparently G's boyfriend told her he just couldn't see a future together for them. He also mentioned that G has potential graduate jobs interstate next year and he doesn't want to be the reason she doesn't take the opportunity. He also mentioned that he wants to get married and have kids in approximately  a two-year time frame and he doesn't see that happening with G since she wants to focus on her career for awhile. It came completely out of nowhere. G hasn't even decided what graduate job she wants and is certainly not committed to moving away. And he has never even mentioned marriage or kids. G suspects it's because one of his good friends is getting married in a couple of months and he's starting to feel the pressure. But G does want those things. Not right now no, but eventually. And 2 years? What is he just going to pick up the next random girl he meets and get married and have kids? Because 2 years is not a long time to start a family. Particularly as he has no money. And debt.

She worried it's all just an excuse and he doesn't love her anymore. But he was crying and seemed pretty upset when he was breaking up with her. it just doesn't make any sense and she can't get her head around what he's done. Even his best mate says he seems really depressed and doesn't understand what he's done.

In the meantime J came face to face with Motley Crue and his new suburban girlfriend who is all over his facebook page making soppy comments like a bad rash. Even still, J always thought she'd be rubbing it in his face with a new hot guy. She was this close to grabbing 'the one' and acting like they were together just to make him jealous. Then she realised how immature she was being and just backed away.

Definitely not a week for those who voted for true love. Luckily, none of us did. It seems G may have had money on it though.

"I don't want to be a bitch, but you guys are really boring"

Druggie's broken up with her boyfriend, moved out of their house and won't return J's phone calls. Rumour has it she's moved back to the country town where she grew up until she can get a new place. No word on the old flame she was swapping romantic messages with pre break-up. Druggie always was a relationship girl.

M is still seeing E as 'just friends' and accepting dates from whoever asks her, even if they aren't particularly appropriate like her new neighbour that doesn't wear shoes. She misses being with E but not enough to admit that to him.

J is trying to dodge 'the one'. He lost his phone and she was relieved because she figured that meant he'd stop messaging her with bizzare texts or calling her late and night when she was busy with someone else. Sadly, not the case. He must have got her number from someone else. Can't they just be friends? She doesn't need the stalker, clingy attitude.

L has a new job at an Italian mafia law firm. She's trying to avoid the guy who looks like a character from The Godfather. Damn creepy.

A's been seeing a guy who has a house full or mirrors ('seeing' in the vaguest sense of the word) and trying to convince her little brother that he does not need a girlfriend just because all his mates do. After all, as he is the only single one when they go out he gets all the attention. Why would you give that up for tapas dates?

"This is not a game I play discreetly"

J has a new theory about men and their place in the universe and her bed. That would be the 3 classic types, type A, type B and type AB. Note that this has nothing to do with either A or B, although A is probably conveniently a type A and B a type B. But they're girls. So this doesn't apply.

Type A guys are the typical alpha males. Good-looking, successful and arrogant. Comes with the territory. They're the player types, who'll pick up any girl who strikes their fancy and never call them again. Just because they can. The type you sleep with and they'll pretend they don't recognise you the next time you run into them at the bar. The type that give J the shits because, even though she's a typical type A herself, no one like those you can smell the narcissism rolling off. Plus, they're usually bad in bed because they're selfish or think they're in a porno. Exception for V on that one.

Type B guys are at the opposite end of the spectrum. Shy dudes and losers who are insecure and desperate. Not only do they call, but they'll send 5 unanswered text messaged. They don't seem to take the hint that maybe, just maybe, you're not that into them. Always asking you out after a one-night-stand and how did they get your number anyway? Type B guys are desperate for a girlfriend although most girls don't want to be with a guy who cries in public so they're often not that successful. They make good, if a little wimpy, husbands and fathers. They are reliable and trustworthy. But where's the fun in that? Hey though, they make good friends

Then there's the type AB guys, the ones who fall somewhere in the middle. The ones J is frequently on the lookout for but always seem rarer than the other two. These are the guys who'll give you a 'hey how's it going' if you see them after you have sex. They don't call, but they don't ignore you either. They're into sex and a good time but they will stop and chat if they see you sober. Or running for the last train. Whatever. Perfect fuck buddy material. And boyfriend material really, because they they are like type A without the arrogance, or type B without the patheticness. Sadly, these guys are becoming harder and harder to find.

"The drinks are cheap and vinyl's cool"

Oh L. We all know you're lovely, but it never was going to work out the way you wanted it to was it?

L had planned to catch up with B and K, as well as H, for the first time since they returned from Europe. And also the first time since they abandoned her on a tram. But that's another story, and the subject of another blog post. L wasn't sure about it, so she invited A and a bunch of her uni friends along. Probably not the brightest idea but she'd had a few wines in the sun and it seemed like a good idea. Unfortunately, all her uni friends except A bailed at the last minute. A grabbed J and rocked up anyway.

L, H, B and K went out for dinner first and H ended up going home after because she doesn't go out anymore. K had two drinks and was behaving like a drunk slut and made out with a 40 year old man. L tried not to judge. Later that evening they bumped into A and J who had just shared a $50 bottle of wine. BullSHIT was that the cheapest bottle of sav blanc. You can get cheaper on Southbank. L said hi, B smiled. K scowled and walked the other way, dragging B with her after a moment of hesitation.

A, J and L headed to the bar and then went back to chat with B. That was fine, except that K was standing about 5 metres away glaring and not saying anything. L felt extremely awkward. B seemed oddly unawkward, perhaps because she was more drunk.

A had a 'fuck this' moment, skulled a few pints and went home with a dude in a moustache who kept his red wine in the fridge.  J played the room, flirty and fun and making K jealous the whole time. Especially when the only guy interested in K was a vaguely emo kid who didn't look a second over 16. Youngens and oldies, all in a night's work.

At the end of the night L tried to suggest going home in a cab with J. K was having none of that. That was fine with J, who was busy with her tongue down the throat of a guy who had a Pink Floyd tattoo. She didn't even go home with him. Or the crew of metros who invited her to a late night dance club. Really, does thatg seem like J's style?

What we're doing this month...

Loving: mocking people who take teeth-whitening seriously
Listening to: Green Day's Uno! and The Darkness' Hot Cakes
Crushing on: Ryan Gosling circa Crazy Stupid Love (okay we know everyone is...whatever)
Worshipping: late Cosmo editor Helen Gurley Brown...feminism in red lipstick
Eating: choc-orange tarts from San Churro
Drinking: honey vodka, which essentially tastes like scotch
Rocking: chambray shirts and long necklaces
Reading: A Visit From the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan
Failing: not to trip in our heels

"Oh love"

A quick trip to Kings Cross in Sydney for A and L. Spent more time in strip clubs or sipping sour cocktails than in the library of arguing law in the Federal Court.

A quick trip to Queensland for M with her wealthy new almost step-dad. Yeah, just after the boating trip. Turns out he's rich. He's buying a place for himself and M's mum. M's dad is selling the family home because he can't afford it and it's too big for him and M's younger sister. M is moving across town.

Druggie's boyfriend won't let her out of the house after he learned she's been swapping romantic texts ('i love you' not 'i want to fuck you') with an old flame.

J is busy trying to avoid 'the one' while hooking up with guys whose name she doesn't care to remember. She's also got a new group of gay friends, because she figures they can't cause her trouble. Pity they happily spend $1600 on a jacket...

"...and that's when it fell off in my hand"

As if she was going to get out of it that easy.

About two months ago, J had a one-night-stand. Nothing unusual about that. In fact, it wasn't even a particularly good one-night-stand. After a fight with Druggie J had found herself all alone and feeling a bit pissed off so she just went after any old opportunity. And she was disappointed.

Since then she's seen him a few times, and started hanging out with (and hooking up with) several of his mates. Poor guy though seems to have fallen for her. They had an awkward drunken chat where he declared he though she might be the one (hence why he will be known as 'the one' from now on). J ignored it along with his dozens of text messages suggesting they hang out and made it obvious she considered him a friend. And not a particularly close one at that. But there was to be no escape. He's always there attempting to cock block her and he's acting worse than Wow. He even added A on facebook, although he's never met her. Wow did too, but at least they'd spoken.

Then to top it all off he sent her a text saying 'I'm really sorry about our first sexual encounter, I've never failed to make a girl scream before.' That was all it said. How do you even respond to that?

There's only one way really. Do not reply.

"Hey I heard you were a wild one"

About a million years ago (okay more like 6 months, but who's counting) J made enemies out of a local band when she didn't recognise them. They aren't a huge band, but they're typical of those arrogant musos who think that anyone who's anyone knows who they are. Maybe they're even right. J did know who they were, but she was too drunk to notice. She started chatting away and asked, "Oh, are you in a band?" They all now hate her. Over dramatic? Probably. That's bass players for you.

Recently he's started working at a club we frequent...frequently. He started off just cleaning tables and staying far away from J, so that was okay. He seems to have earned himself a promotion to door bitch though. Last weekend he refused to allow J to reenter after she smoked a cigarette and suggested A have a glass of water because she's 'too drunk'. Oh yeah, that's a real rock star. J was seriously pissed off and had to go next door and drink in some dance club full of 16 year old sluts with fake IDs and their arse hanging out of their skintight dresses. It's enough to make you throw up. Even if you haven't consumed a drop of alcohol the night before. J is slightly concerned now. Is this guy the permanent door bitch? All the other bouncers love her. She's there all the time. This guy is just a twat with an ego way bigger than he's earned.

Meanwhile M is busy attending design conferences and trying to fit in coffee with E when she has the chance. She's glad they're friends again but a part of her yearns for something more. A big part of her. She has a date later in the week with a guy she met at uni and hopes that goes well. But she just can't see herself clicking with anyone the way she does with E. She's afraid to admit that to him, even though he's currently single.

L is avoiding text messages and facebook chats with a guy she got mostly naked with at a recent law conference. She's quite embarrassed about the whole thing because normally she so isn't like that, but she's also annoyed because she has no intention of ever seeing him again. Partly because he lives in another city but mostly because she feels like if she couldn't make it with secret admirer she can't make it with anyone. At least, not at this point in her life.

Trouble in paradise is continuing with G and her longtime boyfriend. After a week of spending every night together she suggested to him that they spend a bit of time apart. He asked her if she wanted to break up. Despite the increasing doubts G was shocked and horrified. She figures this is a good sign for their relationship. But even though she told him she definitely doesn't want to break up, she's wondering if he does. And, what exactly they're going to do about that.

Of course C is still overseas in Europe and is having an 'absolutely fabulous' time even if he did have a sneaky vomit under the Eiffel tower after consuming too much red wine and woke up in London with bruises all over his face. Ah well. It happens.

What we're doing this month...

Loving: freaking people out on public transport with manic laughter
Listening to: Kyuss
Crushing on: Channing Tatum in Magic Mike
Worshipping: people who have their shit together
Eating: chicken parmas with bacon and pineapple
Drinking: martinis
Rocking: long skirts and lace tops
Reading: the new Kathy Reichs Bones are Forever
Failing: to behave normally in job interviews

"When strange things happen, are you going round the twist?"

Do I look insecure to you?

Why is it, that if a woman is single and has a lot of sex people seem to think there's something wrong with her? That she must, be, like, really insecure and disrespect herself and, um, whatever. Of course, guys who have a lot of sex are considered 'normal' and if they aren't chasing after pussy whenever they're single there must be something wrong with them.

Ugh, stereotypes.

It hasn't been a good week just trying to be ourselves.

M has gone back to uni to study design and she hates that she's the oldest person in her class, surrounded by a bunch of people that listen to One Direction and can't remember Round the Twist. She doesn't want to be the old fart, but sometimes she can't help but think how immature the people around her are. Which of course makes her act like she is even more old and stuffy, when of course we can all act like kids sometimes.

L and A are turning into typical boring law students (and also alcoholics, because no law student turns down beer and dumplings) who stay up late reading 500 page judgments and forget to put make-up on the mornings.

And J? J is in trouble. She has a new Wow. A new semi-stalker, guy she once slept with who is now acting like he's in love with her. And maybe he is. But J does not need that. She never lead him on or suggested she liked him for anything more than the occasional drink and fuck. She's started hanging out with him and his mates and thought they were friends. He obviously wants to be more than that and won't take no for an answer. He keeps telling her she's beautiful and smart and talented...and that she may be 'the one'. J doesn't want to know that. She told him she just wanted to be friends. Why does this keep happening to her? It doesn't help that one of her uni 'mates' suggested to her that she must have low self-esteem which is why she sleeps around a lot instead of having a boyfriend. Right, because every girl wants and needs a boyfriend.

Why can't we just have fun?

"My ony interests are drinking wine and judging people"

This blog (not mine, obviously) is for anyone who's ever found living in Melbourne subtly or overtly hilarious, or who just wants to know more about it.

But for now, Melbourne is not the place making us laugh so hard we cry.

A has returned from her mysterious trip to Bali with V, and surprise surprise doesn't want to talk about it at all. But then, maybe she doesn't have time. A's life has taken a turn for the frantic and she really couldn't afford that week off. A hasn't been as fun since she's so busy planning for the future and all of her days seem filled with job interviews and reading old stuffy books and drinking nothing stronger than tea. What has happened to the real A?

L is also super busy with uni and work and shit like that. But after a crazy holidays filled with too much wine and a few 6am cab rides home from hotels (those dudes are judgmental! L was just hanging out with new-found friends) it's time for her to go back to being a good girl anyway. She was supposed to catch up with B and K who are home again, but they keep bailing on her. And then the next day pictures pop up of them on facebook having a smashing time...without her of course.

Meanwhile M is back to being good friends with E and they try to ignore the fact that they were once having really good sex. They're both currently single, but they went through too much shit when E was overseas to just get back together. M may also be slightly relationship-scarred from the quickie divorce of her parents. Her mum may be quick to jump into a relationship but M is more like her dad. She's cautious and doesn't want to get hurt again. She's also trying to remain open minded about her mum's new partner but the more time she spends with him the less she likes him. She feels he's trying too hard to be her dad. She's old enough that she doesn't need a new father, but she gets that her mum feels like she needs something. She can't respect her mum for her decisions, but she wants everyone to be happy. Christmas at their house sure is going to be awkward this year. M's little sister has hardly spoken to their mother since she moved out.

J is her usual party animal self although she is no longer hanging out with best-sex-she's-ever-had or his band anymore which she's rather disappointed about. Best-sex broke up with his (possible pregnant, but probably not) girlfriend for a month and spent most of it sleeping with J and anyone else he could find. But then they decided to get back together and act all coupley and J felt awkward about the whole thing so she decided to stop hanging out with them. She was only in it for the sex (and maybe the pain) anyway, and after best-sex asked her if she like liked him she did freak out a little because what business did he have asking her questions like that? Now she's hanging out with a different band. She slept with one of the guys months ago but doesn't really like him. No, she's in to one of his other mates who is a bit of a jerk and never calls her back. But the first guy seems a bit in love with her and keeps asking her to hang out during the day. Uh, no. J also hasn't seen Druggie in forever and is rather concerned about her. A has seen her a couple of times as they work close to each other and Druggie keeps saying she can't hang out with anyone at the moment because she needs to spend all her time with her boyfriend. Obviously he's back to being over-the-top and possessive.

G is starting to talk seriously about breaking up with her boyfriend who she has been with forever. Like, since high school forever. Like, this entire blog forever. He wasn't very supportive after her car accident (he was away at the time but returned home shortly after) and she found she didn't miss him very much while she was overseas. This is G's last semester of university and she has several job offers for next year (did I ever mention G was wicked smart?) including some interstate. One is an amazing opportunity and she is thinking about taking it. Her boyfriend doesn't want her to and G thinks maybe she should break up with him and just go for it. But at the same time it has been a long time since G was single and she dreads the thought of being alone. Other than A all of her friends are in relationships and she finds the whole concept of being single quite foreign. But she isn't sure if the relationship she's in is making her as happy as it once did.

"Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings"

The most entertaining bus trips? Probably the one where the tweenage girl behind you is busy pulling glossy lipped poses and taking selfies for forty minutes and the girl in front of you announces to a random guy on the bus that she is a prostitute and offered her services which resulted in them getting off the bus at the next stop. It all kind of makes you wonder why you usually take the tram. Clearly, the bus is better for entertainment value. Even if the guy who has his pet rats sitting on his shoulders isn't there.

Ah, Melbourne. We love you.

A has apparently taken off on a trip to Bali. With V. Apparently said trip was free. Doesn't stop the what-the-fuck moments.

M has taken off on a trip up North with her mum and her mum's new boyfriend to go sailing. This is despite the fact that her dad is in a bit of a depression about how fast her mum has moved on (ahem affair) and M is more than slightly irritated about her mum's desperation to play happy families with a new guy. Definite what-the-fuck moment.

Two days after a threesome with best-sex-she's-ever-had and his best mate, J got a call from best-sex asking, "Do you like like me?" What. The. Fuck.

Ah, Melbourne. We hate you.

"The busy have no time for tears"

Sorry for the lack of posting of late. We've all been frantic putting together internship applications, filling up our CVs with extra-curricular activities and volunteer work, going to the footy, drinking, making an arse out of ourselves at national competitions and working our usually shitty jobs. One day I will have time for a proper post but for now...

J: has found herself a new group of punk-rocker friends and has been smoking and having ridiculous orgies with said band dudes. Occasionally one of them makes some statement she just doesn't understand (usually assuming that because she's a girl she must be obsessed with cuddles and relationships) but she chooses to ignore that and keep smoking. It's second semester of uni and that's never been a good sign for J. The dead bodies are piling up in one of her classes (so they can cut it open, it's a medical elective) and all her friends are deferring.

A: has been in a funk since she couldn't find the cute English boy she fell in love with for a night. Decided to distract herself by entering a ridiculous number of mooting competitions so she can crush annoying law students and forget about the shitty things that are happening in her life. She's also started an affair with one of her opponents, but it's not love. It's just sex. She's also been caught still hanging out with V, but what else is new?

G: returned from her trip overseas, where she only bumped into C once. Admitted that she is thinking about breaking up with her boyfriend which will never happen because they are the most solid couple ever. We hope.

M: is trying to do the 'just friends' thing with E. It's even sort of working. She's also been dealing with her new post-separation parents. Her dad is depressed and M has no idea what she's supposed to say to him. Her mum has shacked up with her new boyfriend who keeps trying to win M over by inviting her and her sister on boating trips. Some of them even sound kind of fun. M doesn't want a new father though and she really doesn't respect her mum dating so soon.

L: managed to get the dream job working at the footy, except now people keep throwing up all over her and that is not a good thing. She's starting to think maybe football isn't so fun now that it's work. Has also been up to her ears in competitions and needed to blow off some steam- she was found leaving a random hotel room early one morning and hightailing it home in a taxi. She didn't accept the guy's facebook friend request. That girl is starting to behave like A.

B and K are also back from overseas and have started harassing L to hang out again. J still hasn't heard from then since her disastrous night out with B. Oh, well.

What we're doing this month...

Loving: The Olympics...we love a bit of women's gymnastics, pole vault and butterfly
Listening to: The Living End, super excited about their one-album-a-night shows
Crushing on: James Magnussen
Worshipping: Chinese swimmer Yi Shewan...and we're all hoping the drug cheat rumours are unfounded
Eating: Pad See Ew, we love fat noodles!
Drinking: mulled wine
Rocking: brightly coloured skinny jeans
Reading: 50 Shades of Grey?? Um...no
Failing: to get enough sleep

"Love in an elevator"

You know what's hilarious? Random super drunk conversations about sex with people (usually guys for some reason) you've just met...usually through other friends.

"You know when you're having a threesome and sometimes one of the guys just gets in the way? It's just best to have sex with them separately." (J)

"I once knew this girl who could almost come just from having her inner thighs touched."
"Yeah, pretty much sure an 'almost orgasm' is no orgasm at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'd be damn pissed off if a guy 'almost' made me come." (A)

"People that don't reciprocate oral sex are the lowest of the low."
"Except for guys that shove it up your arse without asking permission." (M)
"Uh...yeah, except for that."

"Don't you hate it when a guy is thrusting really hard and just accidentally puts it in your arse?"
"Okay so I'm not having sex tonight."  (L)

"You haven't had sex until you've fucked to Motley Crue." (J)

"Masturbating is totally underrated. I mean, at least you're guaranteed a good time." (A)

"We were fucking and then I found out he liked Nickleback. So I had to get up and leave." (J)
"He didn't yell out 'Chad Kroeger' when he came did he? That happened to me once."
"That is actually my worst nightmare."

"Once, I was so drunk I didn't even realise I still had my underwear on." (J)

"Threesomes are so much better with two girls. I mean, one of the guys always freaks out and has an 'am i gay?' moment." (Druggie)

"You absolutely have to have sex on the roof of a car. It's so liberating." (C)

"I'm getting a mirror put into one of my walls. I like watching it go in from more than one angle." (P)

"In another life, I would be your girl"

A is in love...no, not with V. Please guys, they are not that type of 'couple'. Over the weekend she a met an older British fellow at a club. Not older as in old, as in 5 years older which is significant but has been done many times before...and sometimes twice that much. They talked. Just talked. For hours. In the club, then at a restaurant, then in a park. They met around 11pm. A got home around 6:30am, enough time for her to have a coffee and a shower and head off to work. They didn't have sex. They didn't even kiss, except briefly upon parting. No tongue. Definitely a first for A. And apparently, it's talking and not sex that's the way to A's heart. That has been suspected a long time since A spends most of her life arguing and kicks arse at public speaking. It's just never been tested. She fell for this guy. Hard. He was funny and sweet and smart and everything A could ever want...plus naturally, hot and kind of a smart arse. All A wanted was to see him again...and sleep with him of course. But fate has other plans. His phone was dead (damn smart phones and their short battery life!) and A drunkenly managed to put the wrong number in her phone (obvious because it had a few too many digits). A's best facebook stalking attempts have gotten nowhere. He has vanished into the wind. It's typical. Then again, commitment-phobic A probably wouldn't even like him if she thought she would see him again.

He may always be for her though, the one that got away.

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

E is back and M is trying to be his friend again. Friends only. They can't pretend their relationship didn't happen, but they can't just go back into it either. M felt out of place at his return party. She wasn't sure what to say or what her role was. She's more than just an ex-girlfriend isn't she? M's awkwardness resulted in a passionate pash with a random guy on the dancefloor and making sure E copped a full view. She felt like an idiot afterwards though, and E ignored the whole thing because he had no idea what to say. The next day M rang him and asked if he wanted to go to lunch. E said sure and he'd give A and J a call. M was crushed. She thought it would just be the 2 of them. But it probably won't be ever again. M has no idea what to do about it. She can't seem to move on, but maybe she just needs more time.

Meanwhile J, of course, is finding love in all the wrong places. Or right, depending on what your definition of love is. That would be cloak rooms, always a good place for sneaky sex, and public toilets. The women's loo at J's favourite rock club now has a sign saying 'absolutely no men allowed for any reason'. We wonder whose fault that sign is...

L is starting to realise she just may be as commitment-phobic as dear A. Despite her short lived (perhaps along with) romance with secret admirer (which ended because she just couldn't handle the relationship) she's never been very good at keeping men in her life. Now L has a new interest, a boy she met through uni friends who happens to be an amazing kisser and plans fun dates. He also lives about 500km away. L likes him, but she's pretty sure one of the things she likes most about him is that he will never turn up unannounced at her front door. Then again, in the suburb L lives in, you bring a shotgun to the door if you're not expecting anyone.

What we're doing this month...

Loving: the Melbourne Lady Gaga craze
Listening to: a bit of classic Rolling Stones
Crushing on: Keith Urban...he just suddenly seems so cool!
Worshipping: asos
Eating: red velvet cupcakes
Drinking: whipped cream vodka
Rocking: black heeled ankle boots with kickass buckles
Reading: The Great Gatsby to prepare for the movie
Failing: to enroll in classes for next semester

"Never trust a man with a small prick"

The worst kind of guy? The clingy possessive, calls you every night before he goes to bed type? The arrogant dickhead who has four girls going at once and 'forgets' to mention it? The too-smart-for-his-own good type who can't help but correct everything you say? The ultra-competitive, cheating at mini golf with the terrible hair? Answer: all of the above. Sometimes you just can't do anything right. Then again, sometimes the 'right' guy annoys everyone but you.

J can't stand the fact that A and V are back together, if 'together' is even the right word to describe them. Going out to dinner with M and L they accidentally sat on a table right near V and a few of his wanker mates (including X who even L had to admit is not looking so fine these days). They chose to ignore each other (or perhaps A, who is going blind these days, just didn't notice) until one of V's mates, while drunkenly reenacting some crap scene from an even crapper movie, managed to rip out a chunk of A's hair. Her hair is in pretty shit condition, thanks to dying it a different colour every few weeks. It's currently red. Anyway A turned around and started yelling abuse and suddenly froze when she realised it was basically V she was yelling at. She then stopped yelling and they moved to another table, where A proceeded to begin bitching about V and her general annoyance at him. Even L told her to shut the hell up and that we are all sick of her whining about the guy she was sleeping with. Thankfully A did shut up, only to start complaining about how one of her uni friends is trying to set her up with his best mate. Really, it is rather stupid. Commitment phobic A will never be the best choice for anyone. Still, enough.

In other news, E is back in the country. And other girls that won't shut up include M. Except in her case, it's probably fair enough. She's stressing out about seeing him again even though they are friends again. Maybe because they are friends again. C thinks he broke up with the girlfriend in New Zealand before he left but it hasn't been confirmed and everyone is too afraid to ask. E is having a welcome home drinks this weekend and M has no idea what to say or how to act...or what to wear. The others are planning to do the usual: wear a black dress and drink tequila until they can't stand up and make out with a cute boy in the corner. Well, the last one may just be J. A will most likely be getting in fights and L will most likely be scaring everyone with her dance 'moves'. M figures the best thing to do is to act like the good friend she always was and let everything else fall into place. Go with the flow. She's pretty sure she still has intense feelings for him though, the kind that distance and time can't quell and only become obvious upon their physical return.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"

With the twins B and K off overseas L decided to catch-up with them at their going away drinks. She thought it would be a fun night out after exams. Yeah, she did eventually get an invite. She was wrong.

B and K, well K in particular really, spent most of the evening bitching about A and J. You might remember a recent post where J went out with B, only for B to get really drunk and have to be sent home in a taxi. The version of this story K told was blatantly untrue. Sadly for her, L had already heard the truth. K said to L that B had actually only had one drink that night before becoming seriously unsteady and feeling sick. She suggested that J may have slipped something in her drink. Oh yes, because J is a regular drink spiker. And she spikes the drinks of her friends. Just for fun. K then said that J left B on the street, and B only got home because some older guy felt bad for her and offered her a ride home. B was apparently covered in cuts and bruises although of course there wasn't a scratch on her now. Right, because it's so much safer and more believable that B got rescued by some weirdo. K then said she'd tried to catch up with A and A had stood her up. No such thing has ever happened. A long ago vowed to never speak to K again and, other than a terse smile and 'hello' hasn't since their falling out.

L felt a bit strange about the whole thing, but they are her friends so she decided to ignore it and hang out with their other mates, including one guy it turned out she knew from uni. A few beers (and a few too many drunk phone calls later) everyone decided to leave the pub and go dancing. Sadly, K had forgotten her id. She and B went home to pick it up and told L they'd meet her in the city. She got on the tram with the guy from uni and his girlfriend who were on their way home. About 15 minutes later, the uni guy got a text from K saying that they'd decided to stay home. L got nothing. Well, other than drunk and abandoned of course.

Pissed and pissed off she joined A and J who were chilling in a beer garden with a few other friends, including A's brother who declared the rest of them 'too old' to be there. He may have been right too.

L should stop forgiving and forgetting. Choosing who to trust doesn't seem to be one of her skills.

"Prince Charming is a dick, bring on the frogs"

You know thing's are going bad when all the skin around your belly button piercing dies and the piercing falls off and you're left with no hole at all and just weird flaps of skin that things are going bad. Not a hypothetical, just another day in the life of J. But I suppose that's what you get when you're so busy taking care of your alcohol intake and not busy enough to take care of your general health.

Exams are done with and it's time to let loose. Everyone we know is apparently going to Europe for the next 6 months because that's the cool thing to do. Also, everyone we know is pretty much done with school and taking their year off before they enter the 'real' world so I guess they get to do the travel thing. We're stuck at home with our textbooks and internships applications. I guess that's what you get for being a failure...But nothing so much fun as going away parties right?

G is only off for a month, but she's having a blow-out bash before hand anyway. Everyone donned their floral dresses for a hippie themed party complete with magic mushrooms, giant lollipops and Bob Dylan records playing. It may be winter but that doesn't mean we can't wear flowers in our hair. Just that they have to be fake, because nothing real survives this weather. A got too drunk and made out with one of G's boyfriend's best mates that regularly hangs out at their house. Awkward because he wants to take her out for dinner and A wants nothing outside the bedroom. Or the bathroom, as luck may have it. L got too wasted on Pimms and got her kickass hat stolen and she was not pleased. She's been trying to track it down but was unsuccessful. M continued on her too-drunk-to-stand up phase and spent most of the night puking in the street as she stumbled home.

C is leaving for four months...but no one can remember his party. We all trundled off to the suburbs only to drink copious amounts of rum and pass out in the garden. C, true to form, woke up in only his underwear and has no idea where the rest of his clothes went. J woke up in his older brother's bed, but the brother was nowhere to be seen. L was making pancakes in the kitchen and laughing manicly. There was pancake batter all over the floor, which A managed to slip on and end up on her ass, much to the amusement to C's mother. Several of his other friends, who's also been involved in ridiculous drinking games, were half naked and sleeping in the curtains. C has killer parties. V even showed up, on the arm of one of C's friends. Everyone thought she was dating an AFL footballer, but apparently that went down the drain. She's model-good looking so of course A got cut. C thought this was hilarious, until A wasted booze by throwing a glass in V's eyes. Then he kicked V out of his house and licked the alcohol off the floor. A may have helped.

The toxic twins are headed overseas as well although everyone's invite to their going away must have got lost. To be fair A didn't really expect one, and after K screamed at her for no apparent reason, J figured her invitation was revoked. B certainly didn't bother to check up on it. L was surprised she didn't get an invitation, but then she should no better than to take more than a minute to reply to a K text.

A and V may be sleeping together again. J dropped by A and G's place and could have sworn she saw him sneaking out. But she was slightly distracted. A shirtless footballer was walking past. She's not impressed with this development because she hardly needs to deal with A whining on and on about how much she hates V only for her to wind up in bed with him for 4 nights in a row.

Druggie dropped by J's place to hang out and smoke but when J told her she'd given up the drugs and thought Druggie should too, Druggie wasn't particularly pleased. So she headed home to her increasingly possessive boyfriend.

And now? Tapas and wine. Lots of wine.

"Fear is such a weak emotion that's why I despise it"

Piss off kinda-but-not-really-cute barista boy. Okay, so we show up for 2 double shot lattes every morning when we're in study mode and occasionally we'll pop into the cafe while we're dying our hair but whatever...don't judge.

It's been a dramatic week for G who got in a terrible car accident after getting hit by a bus. Yes, an actual bus. G is willing to accept fault because she did run a red light, but in her defence she was simply following the car in front of her and assumed the light was green. The first car of course was fine. G's car was a total write-off but she was lucky to escape with only bruising and cuts. She could've died. She was also lucky she managed to call her father shortly after the accident and he took care of all the other stuff for her. She only had to spend a day in hospital but it hasn't been much fun taking care of herself since, especially with her boyfriend overseas at the moment. A has been trying to cheer her up with chicken noodle soup but though G would never say it, it's probably doing more harm than good. A is not much of a cook.

Meanwhile A has a new drinking buddy she met through competitions at uni. Everyone thinks this other girl is exactly like her. She drinks like a fish, managed to break the button and zip on her suit skirt, has tattoos and coloured hair and swears at barristers. They've been hanging out quite a bit and get on like a house on fire. However when A told G about her G realised she absolutely hates this girl and thinks she's a raving lunatic. One of G's old friends (who used to be one of her best friends but they had a falling out when G criticised her boyfriend) is good mates with her and even did the speech at her 21st. Awkward, as they'd only known each other a few months at that point. Anyway G finds her rude and crazy. Apparently once when one of G's friends was on a really bad mushroom trip and trying to throw herself out the window (G drove her to hospital) this girl laughed it off and tried to lock her in a room with a TV. G will never forgive her for that.

Of course G has bigger concerns than A's choice of friends right now. Like the fact that she got hit by a bus.

"But is it just me or am I all alone again?

It's a struggle being M these days. Her parents have decided to separate and her mother is moving in with a new guy who has already started acting like M's father and wants to take her on boating trips. As if all this stuff with E wasn't bad enough. She still hasn't decided what she wants to do with her life as she tosses up between work, travel and going back to school. She's also moved back home because her younger sister isn't dealing well with the separation.

E has been surprisingly good with everything and has been M's biggest comfort and sounding board (with the exception of A and J, and C has tried to help out with stories about his thrice married mother and womanzing father) even though he is still overseas. M's glad that at the very least they can still be good friends although sometimes their conversations do venture into the awkward. However their communication is better than it was even in their relationship which is always a plus. M wants to know more about his new girlfriend but is afraid to ask. A, J and C have all been trading emails with E but they keep them brief. They still aren't quite sure how to react to the splitting of everyone's favourite couple or if it will look like they are taking sides. E certainly hasn't told any of them about his new girlfriend anyway. Expert facebook stalker L reckons she's crazy and possessive and has an abusive ex, which would make her pretty much like every other girl E has dated. For whatever reasons, he goes for the crazy ones, With the (possible?) exception of M.

E is supposed to be coming home at the end of June and no one is quite sure how that will work out. Or what he's going to do about the girlfriend in New Zealand. M is simply glad to have him on her side right now though. His parents divorced only a couple of years ago and it seems he knows what she's going through more than anyone.

M hasn't really felt like going out much lately. After a night with J which ended with her in tears and projectile vomiting in a sink she thinks it's better to stay in with tea and new episodes of The Block until she gets her emotions in order.

"I get talking like a teen"

J was trying really hard to be friends with B again.

Years ago, before this blog, before R, before all the shit that happened, J and B were practically best friends. I say 'practically' because A and J have been best friends since they were kids, but there was a time during the end of high school and the first year of uni that it seemed like J and B got along as well as and probably had more in common than A and J. They used to study for English literature for hours, reading ridiculous books and quoting them. They used to go to a lot of indie gigs and hang out with boys in skinny jeans and drink green tea back before it was cool. But that all changed and they've hardly hung out at all over the past year.

However, after being reunited at L's birthday they've gone out for coffee together several times and J is painfully aware how much she misses B. B was the only girl who'd ever have clubbing contests with her: like who could get the phone numbers of the most guys, or the most drinks, or the most kisses...J has missed that.

They've been getting along and having a lot of fun together so J thought they'd take their renewed friendship to the next level: going drinking together. They were doing pre-drinks at J's house and it quickly became obvious that B's alcohol tolerance has gone way down since she used to drink with J regularly. Probably no great surprise. J let her go though, figuring B would know her own limits best and would be able to take care of herself.

Almost as soon as they arrived at a club though, after having only 1 drink and dancing through two songs, it was clear that B was not okay. She had a glazed look in her eyes and her words were going past slurry. She assured J she was okay, but J wasn't taking any chances. She sent B home in a cab and ended up chatting to a bunch of band dudes about her new favourite band Matt Sonic & the High Times. She'd been with them about half an hour when she noticed B was calling her. Concerned, she answered. It wasn't B. It was her twin sister, the ever-psychotic K. K started screaming into the phone that J was a gutless bitch and she'd better never do that to B again. What, send her home when she was too wasted to take care of herself? K told J that she was an awful person and should never see B again and a bunch of other threatening comments. How exactly is it J's fault if B can't handle her alcohol? Everyone else can take care of themselves, why can't B? But it's never about logic with K. She loves any excuse to fly off the handle and go crazy at people, yelling and ranting and being generally abusive.

J suddenly remembers why she stopped being friends with B. Maybe B had her issues but that wasn't the issue. The issue was always the very toxic K. K is insane and cannot be trusted. She will start fights over nothing and over-react about everything. She will threaten you and scare you for no apparent reason. She will physically attack you in the street. She will bad mouth you to absolutely anyone she sees even if she doesn't know them. She's out of control.

And no matter how much J misses B, it will never be worth it if she has to deal with this kind of shit from K.

What we're doing this month...

Loving: using the Melways to find our way around instead of a GPS
Listening to: old school Good Charlotte
Crushing on: Richard Gere, so what if he's a little old for us and our mother's like him?
Worshipping: Tim Burton
Eating: fried rice and sweet corn soup
Drinking: gin and tonics
Rocking: cool patterned black stockings and cocktail rings
Reading: Career Girls by Louise Bagshawe
Failing: to do the washing, lucky we have lots of clothes we just have to buy more underwear

"Hurry, hurry, hurry, before I go insane"

L has been invited for a day of Eurovision fun with B, K, T and a bunch of what she suspects will be older people like family friends and, of course, T's friends. Maybe H will even show up but she so rarely leaves the house these days L wouldn't place any kind of money on it. L wouldn't mind going if she knew people like A or J would be there and she could laugh and drink raki with them, but they haven't been invited. L feels like she would just be crashing a family affair, like the twins' last birthday. And she doesn't even like Eurovision.

Ah well. She'll just have to follow (or precede) it with one of those nights where it seems like a brilliant idea to go buy a tub of ice-cream in Coles and eat the whole thing (before you've paid for it) while perusing the aisles and knocking over the Chupa Chup displays.

It might make the whole thing bearable.

"Don't leave my hyper heart alone on the water"

J has had yet another 'awkward one-night-stand etiquette' moment. All J wants is casual sex, but for whatever reason life just can't be that simple. She was also hoping her transition to being friends with B again would be simple, but B has started bailing on their plans and J can see their friendship disappearing just as it did the first time.

Last night she hooked up and had sex in a park with a guy who seemed like her kind of bloke: long wild hair, a love for The Ramones and a way of moving his tongue that had J going weak at the knees. She probably should have heard alarm bells when he told her he'd only recently broken up with his ex of four years but she was drunk and so she wasn't really listening. They chatted for a bit, made out and then headed to the park. While they were having sex he told her he loved her. They'd known each other a total of two hours. J ignored the comment. Perhaps he was imaging having sex with his ex and if he was, that was really no concern of hers. But then he looked her right in the eye and asked, "Do you love me too?" J freaked. She got up, put on her clothes and ran for her life. That's just not the sort of thing you say to a girl like J. Ever. He yelled after her for her number but she just kept on running, and praying that she would never see him again.

She ended up sharing a cab home with a middle-aged man who fortunately paid for the trip, although he did spend the entire time whining about his marriage break-up and even started shedding a few tears at one point. J and the taxi driver just made sympathetic noises and hoped the drive would be over soon.

What is it with the men of today?

"I wanna rock and roll all night"

Please just leave J alone Motley Crue.Your relationship ended months ago and while she's happy to humour you with blow jobs and the occasional morning after watching The Inbetweeners she will honestly, really, never be your girlfriend. You would feel sorry for him, it's just that he needs a new word for dumb. He and J went out the other night and someone asked if they were on a date. J scoffed, laughed and shook her head. Motley got quite insulted and was acting pissy for the rest of the evening. Come on man, it's been a while. Move on.

Meanwhile J is now sleeping with other members of the best sex she's ever had's band. She suspects his much younger child bride girlfriend is pregnant and doesn't want to deal with that shit. She hates kids. But J messes around with dudes from the suburbs and there's always kids in that mix. Of course junkie and alcoholic best sex she's ever had will be a terrible and unreliable father. Still child bride is actually quite lovely and she would be devestated to find out her boyfriend has slept with J. Multiple times. And has written a song about her. And is probably having sex with numerous other groupie types.

You just can't trust guys that have longer hair than you, wear more make-up than you and own more leopard print clothes than you. The glam lifestyle. Frightening.

"He does dress better than I do, what would I bring to the relationship?"

Sometimes 'busy' can never accurately describe your life or mindset. Sometimes it gets to the point where you're two weeks into May and you literally can't remember the month starting...or indeed what the fuck happened to the end of April.

In between studying for her exams and rocking up at work like the good girl she isn't, J has turned groupies for the best sex she's ever had and been showing up at all their gigs. It's not really her style to chase guys but this guy is the hardest in hell to track down and will never chase because he's usually too drunk or drugged to even notice the time. J is now mates with his mates, including a Scottish dude in a kilt who is clearly in love with her and constantly texts her and attempts to hug her. Best sex she's ever had is still the best sex ever and they're still doing it in parks and alleys across town. This is despite his underage child bride girlfriend who thinks J is the sweetest girl ever and is going out with the Scottish guy. If only she knew...Yeah, apparently wannabe rockstars keep their girlfriends locked up at home so they can pick up groupies. Is J playing a dangerous game? Probably, but she always knows when it's time to take herself home. Usually after her drink has been spiked with MDMA.

M and E are talking again and are trying to resurrect their friendship. It's unclear if it's going to be successful but they don't want to throw away years of friendship over a few months of sex. E is now dating the blonde girl who was showing up in all his facebook photos. M doesn't really feel any gratification over the fact that her suspicions were right. M has been enjoying the single life by hooking up with random guys in bars, including some of A and L's uni friends and a guy J works with. She doesn't seem ready to embark on a full-on relationship...but that may be because she's still crushing on a guy from work.

Speaking of crushes...

A and L embarked on 3 weeks of law school competitions called moots (apparently it's some kind of mock trial thing...) and spent the entire time with basically no sleep and far too much coffee and stress. They were known to start screaming at people in the street and their friends and break our into hysterical laughter. They found themselves competing against the same team 3 times, including in the grand final, consisting of 2 very attractive and brilliant speaking guys and a cool girl they got blind drunk with after the final. A nearly got in a physical fight with one of the guys after she accused him of stealing her arguments, L flipped out at one of the judges who accused her voice of being too soft when the microphone had conked out just before she started speaking. And in the end, the two guys won. A and L were not pleased, though the other team was admittedly amazing on the night. Sometimes it's just not your time. The important thing was that there was copious drinks to be had afterward, resulting in trying to pay for a taxi with a public transport ticket. It makes it all worth it in the end. Even if they did get crushed.

What we're doing this month...

Loving: The Voice, tacky though it is
Listening to: The Darkness
Crushing on: Ryan Kwanten
Worshipping: Emily Blunt. Too cool.
Eating: gooey chocolate brownies
Drinking: vodka martini...shaken not stirred. Since Bond isn't anymore.
Rocking: bright coloured jumpers
Reading: V is for Vengeance by Sue Grafton
Failing: to figure out the changes in the train timetable.

"When you're not sure what to do next, always choose the option that will make the better story in the morning"

The words we live by.

Even if it occasionally means we wake up in jail.

Not really. But it could happen.

"That would be the real tragedy. Ignore the coffin. There's a single 35 year old woman walking behind it!"

"Calm down, it's not like we had sex"
A and V are getting into fights on the street as per usual, with her refusing to be impressed by his new 'top DJ' status nor the blonde busty girls with their arms around his neck.

J's always in trouble. She somehow found herself on a date with a nerd who took her home the other night after she passed out on the floor of a club. The bouncers thought she'd taken drugs but none of that now that Druggie has moved to the outer suburbs and just hangs out at the park smoking weed and eating Nandos.

A and L spent a night hooning around in one of their uni friends' cars, because they were too drunk to even attempt driving. Lucky he was a psycho driver with a lead foot and no desire no down any beers. They attended 3 separate parties, including the 21st of a girl who may be even more of a train wreck than A, and clearly had eyes on their (older) friend. A thought it was a laugh drinking all the birthday punch. L thought it was amusing to down 12 jelly shots in ten minutes.

Footballer is pissing everyone off by actually scoring goals (and probably Brownlow votes) but won't pick up his phone to hang out with anyone. Well, yeah, we only want him to get us good seats...which we'd then sell because everyone knows the standing room is better anyway.

Happy ANZAC Day people!