"But it is always the good swimmers who drown"

It's actually not that difficult to be part of the party scene in Melbourne and avoid AFL footballers. They all tend to freqent the same places with the same sorts of music and the same sorts of women and if you don't go there the only place you see them is in the street, at restaurants and on the footy field. Which is how it should be, for a variety of reasons. Firstly, we leave the WAGing to the women who don't actually like football, because you once things go sour (as they generally do) you can't cheer them on. Or if they don't play for your team you're usually predisposed to hating them. Then there's the fact that footy players tend to be selfish and chauvinistic both in the bedroom and out, and we can't have that. In our experience affairs with footballers tend to be memerable foir all the wrong reasons. Yes they have good bodies but it just isn't worth it.

Of course, sometimes you can't avoid them. Sometimes you live right next door.

A recently moved into an apartment with her friend G who decided she had to move out of home when her boyfriend moved back home, because she was not happy with the parents being part of their relationship. It's a great apartment with one small floor. Their neighbour is a certain young AFL player (who we won't name because that isn't what we do here at French Toast and Failure) and his girlfriend. Generalising again, but footballers treat their girlfriends worse than J treats her boyfriends.

It all started off well and good. Footballer was friendly and nice and invited A and G over for dinner. The girlfriend was mysteriously absent from dinner (apparently she was too 'shy' although when A and G have actually spoken to her she seems normal) but nothing else was particularly odd. Then footballer started texting them regularly on Saturday nights asking them to come to certain 'designated' AFL clubs. They both flat out refused because that's not their scene. They are both trashbag violent drunks, not blonde models who flash their underwear in tight skirts and giggle after 1 cocktail. One late night footballer called G and asked if they could share a taxi home because he'd forgotten the key to the building. G agreed and once they were back at the apartment footballer invited G in. Fairly drunk herself she agreed, if only to fry up a hamburger and make a mess in his kitchen. Footballer had other things on his mind, kissing her and informing her the girlfriend was away for the weekend. G was shocked, reminded him she had a boyfriend she was actually faithful to (except for that one horrible time with Dumbass) and left. They haven't seen a great deal of each other since then, though it hasn't been overly awkward when they have.

A week later footballer called A to complain that his fridge wasn't working and if she was alone could he come up and so she could help him out? How dumb does he think A is? She knows nothing about electrical equipment and doesn't see any need to give him refridgeration advice when no one else was around. She complained of being too busy and called G straight away.

Footballers. Great on the field, trouble off the field. All we know is that footballer is not getting any kind of roomate threeway with A and G. Maybe he should try his luck with J? Only she won't do threeways unless it's with two guys. Or Megan Gale. As it should be.

"Excellent. A bar so low we can step over it"

It seems that playing hard to get really is the way to a man's heart.

Motley Crue seems devestated by his break-up with J and wants to get her back. He keeps ringing her and even dropping by her place (with flowers-gasp!) and saying he wishes he'd treated her better and he swears he'll never talk to his ex again if she'll take him back. But J is more than content to be the ex. She's over the relationship and just wants to move on and have fun. She's happy to stay friends with Motley and go to gigs with him and have drinking contests but she doesn't want to share his bed...at least not on a regular basis. You can't be fuck buddies with an ex.

M's boyfriend co-worker gets more clingy the less responsive she is to his texts. She doesn't mean anything by it, it's just that she doesn't get free text messages on her phone plan and really doesn't see the point in letting him know what she had for lunch.

Then of course there's A and V. A accidently bumped into him at her favourite pool hall yesterday and tried to make a fast getaway, alas it was not fast enough. V chased after her and asked if she wanted to 'hang out' this weekend. Assuming he meant sex A said sure and added she'd meet him at his place. V asked her if she'd been to this new restaurant in their local area. A started to get concerned V actually wanted to eat with her rather than eat her and panicked a bit, making up some dodgy excuse about a family member's 21st she'd accidently forgotten. Since yelling 'raincheck!' as she sprinted away she's let 2 calls go to voicemail.

"Well-behaved women rarely make history"

Now that M has a boyfriend, she's determined to show E you can be in a relationship and be normal as well. Of course that may be because M's boyfriend, while clingy, isn't a jealous psycho. M has been trying to call E to arrange a double date to show everyone that she is not after E but after a series of unreturned calls and bizzare text messages she suspects the girlfriend has hijacked his phone which really worries her. What is with these guys that date crazy girls? They must be really good in bed. M decided to confront E and let him know what a nut his girlfriend is. She was warned not to, that love is blind and there are things you just don't see until the break-up, but she went anyway. M is usually stunningly normal but sometimes she just snaps. Like the time she gang-tackled a group of guys because one of them had tried to steal her bag. It was very White Chicks. She stormed into E's sharehouse and gave him a piece of her mind. She yelled about how E always goes for the crazy girls (he's K's ex remember) and never has the guts to tell them no and it's fucking up his life and he needs to stop pushing the people who care about him away just because they tell the truth. E looked stunned and told M to get the hell out of house. M figures at least she got to say what she needed to rather than ending her friendship with E by him not answering her calls. The next day she called to apologise. Surprisingly E told her he was now single and that she was right. He is drawn to train-wreck girls and he can't help it. M couldn't believe it. Maybe sometimes the insane choice actually works.

J is already enjoying the single life. With both her and A on the prowl they've been painting the town by nightfall and sleeping in gutters come day. A picked up a guy by getting up on stage at a gig and singing along with the lead singer. Someone clearly thought she was hilarious, and drunk enough not to notice that he was going prematurely bald. Not until the morning at least. A won't bve calling him back. Not that she ever does. J was making eyes at the guitarist all through the set. Once they were off stage and drinking beers girls were throwing themselves at him but J hung back, acting cool nad sipping her blood red cocktail. That may also have been due to her pot-induced paranoia. Either way evidently the guitarist wanted to chase because J was the only girl he had eyes for. After a night at a hotel she woke up in a bed of roses and freaked out slightly. Romance on a one-night-stand? Uh, no. She ran as fast as her legs could carry her. J ran a marathon back in her first year of uni. She has stamina. The guitarist with the smoker's cough had no hope of catching her.

Speaking of smoker's cough, Druggie, who has absolutely no lung capacity from years of smoking anything she can roll up, has joined a netball team and wants J to follow her. J went to watch a game and nearly died laughing as she watched Druggie stumble across the field panting and moaning before she'd even touched the ball. A went along as well yelling 'PIVOT' as per Ross in the Friends episode 'The one with the cop'.

L is still tossing up between being a dedicated student and throwing in the towel for the semester. She'd better make a decision soon because the census date is coming up fast.

"It's not a big problem with me, love, you don't look that hygienic anyway"

J and Motley Crue have finally broken up. It was a long time coming what with J spending the uni holidays rolling around in bed with anything that moved but the final two straws came in the last week, after it was back to class. J was already feeling used since Motley has no income and no savings and despite her being at uni and younger, she was the one buying him drinks. Then she accompanied him to a concert where she was in the mosh pit while he hung at the back texting and ignoring her. Then a day later he called her and asked if she could get a few tabs of acid for him and his ex-girlfriend, knowing that Druggie has an endless supply of everything. J couldn't believe it. We're all pretty against acid since a few years ago G took too much, freaked out and threw herself in front of a car and Motley knew that. And there is never a good to ask your new girlfriend to break the law for your old girlfriend. Never. J thought about it for a day and dumped him via text message. Probably not the most respectful way to end a 6 month relationship but J can't recall the last time they had fun together and thinks it's better this way. Now she's single. And single means free.

A has been avoiding V like the plague after their night together and refuses to answer his calls. Typical A behaviour. She ended up throwing her phone in the ocean before boarding a plane for the annual law conference where she drank too much, kissed a few randoms (not too many because most of the guys were gay, and no sex because there were at least 4 people sleeping in every room) and can't remember what actually happened in the competitions she was supposed to be competing in. She then visited her grandma up the coast and had a fling with a hot surfer. Non-sexual she is not. At least V cured that little problem for her.

M has started dating one of the guys she works with. A whole group of them went bowling together and one of the guys started flirting with her and buying her food and drinks so she figured what the hell and went home with him. At one time or another we've all learned the perils of sleeping with someone you work with but M seems to be dealing with the situation the best. Co-worker told her he really liked her and wanted to keep seeing her so M has and they have gradually fallen into a pattern otherwise known as a relationship. And she's happy. Okay so he's slightly clinging and texts a little too often but M can deal with that so long as she has at least one girls only night a week.

L is trying to recover from her hectic partying ways of the uni holidays. She's a little embarrassed as it's been so long since she threw caution to the wind and just had a good time. Now she's back to studying extra hard to wake up for it. She has a new job for about a week, but after catching swine flu off her new boss and seeing her mum in intensive care she decided it was time to bail. H isn't responding to her messages suggesting the fab four get back to hanging out like the good old days which is irritating her. All she wants is her friends back together. It just doesn't seem like any of them are interested.

B and K lost their jobs while they were overseas. K claims to be taking the matter up with VCAT, all the while fighting the suspension of her drivers licence and trying to force L into staying friends with her so she can gather information on A and J. Lovely girl.

What we're doing this month...

Loving: sunny days in the middle of winter
Listening to: The HIVES
Crushing on: Jess from Gilmore Girls...the only reason that show is worth watching
Worshipping: Patience from The Grates
Eating: chocolate and cream cheese brownies
Drinking: honey lemon tea
Rocking: blood red nails
Reading: Les Liaisons Dangereuses by Pierre Choderlos De Laclos
Failing: to check facebook

"She's my cherry pie"

There was really only one person who was going to get A out of her celibacy rut wasn't there? J is so pissed off she didn't see it coming. She's also pretty pissed off that A never learns her lesson, though she'd never tell her that.

It's been awhile since we've heard from V. After he and A got in their last fight (who even remembers what that was about) A refused to go anywhere he might show up. Usually it was easy to tell since he started several DJing stints and advertised all over facebook so it was easy to know which places to avoid. Especially since he kept sending L event invitations. Not that she was ever going to show up to them, including the invite to his huge birthday party. Then V headed off to Europe for a couple of months, smart-assly making A insanely jealous by sending postcards from many an exotic location with 'wish you were here...don't you?' scrawled over all of them. Recently though he returned home.

We've all been partying like crazy since exams ended. Yes, even L. A and J have of course become filthy alcoholics, waking up in gutters gripping plastic bottles full of flavoured vodka and with mouths so dry...well, I couldn't think of an approriate metaphor. A and C have been grinding on tables in clubs, J has been screwing guys in alleys who aren't her boyfriend, L has been skulling champagne in bathroom stalls and M has been throwing up half-digested noodles in restaurant sinks. We've hooked up with guys whose face we don't remember, let alone name of number. We've drank things we can't see and can't taste. J, Bossman and Druggie spent 2 days straight smoking pot and eating KFC and watching True Blood without knowing what was going on. L went bungee-jumping with uni friends. A has consumed enough beer to fill a swimming pool while going out with uni mates. Scariest of all, G has been swimming in the Yarra River. You just don't dive into that shit. Benders, benders, benders. Pubs and underground clubs we'll never remember the names or locations of. Getting kicked out of swanky cocktail bars. Thrashing at gigs and random rave parties. We'll drink anything. We'll smoke anything. We'll stick our tongues down anyone's throat. It's been fucking fun.

And then V showed up. A didn't even notice at first. She was so wasted on butterscotch Shnapps and Mandarin vodka and white wine and beer and fuck even cider she could hardly see. She'd just thrown up in a sink and was dancing like only the extremely drunk can on a night out with G and P and a few other randoms. V spotted his favourite train wreck and decided he wanted her for the night. A tried to resist. After all she's been non-sexual nearly a year and has gotten pretty good at resisting temptation but V has moves. He knows what she wants. And he's fucking good at it.

A went back to his place for a night of absolutely wild, brain-blasting and head spiraling (though that could have been the booze) sex only to wake up in the morning and vomit for three hours straight. She then called J sounding terrified and sick as hell blabbering 'what the hell have i done? i've slept with V...so, so many times'. J had no idea what to say. She's never tried to give A advice about V because she never listens anyway. Besides, she's had her own problems. No one should have a boyfriend during the post-exam party period. Motley Crue has been planning a summer holiday for the two of them. J has been having candle-dripping and handcuff sex with guys she doesn't know. She feels guilty, and yet she doesn't at all.

A snuck out of V's house and went home to spend the day in bed with pizza and litres upon litres of water. She had three missed calls from V during the day. She has no idea what she's going to do.

What we're doing this month...

Loving: wacky dancing in the wind
Listening to: The Dandy Warhols
Crushing on: Logan from Veronica Mars
Worshipping: Why Miss Mars herself of course
Eating: lasagne
Drinking: Apply Guava juice and vodka
Rocking: black hair with a neon streak
Reading: High Fidelity by Nick Hornby
Failing: smart people shit