"Today you're just some bitch who broke my heart and cut up my mother's wedding dress"

"I'm in a relationship and I'm not having sex! This is my worst nightmare!" - J

It's been awhile...it's a busy time of year. Between mid-semester exams, ANZAC Day, partying like it's 1999 and just being ourselves there hasn't been a lot of free time or Dan Murphy's runs. Which may be why the liqour cabinets are looking suspiciously empty and forcing everyone to shot down Jamacian rum.

J's had a busy few weeks pursuing a...relationship. Let's call him Justin, thanks to his obsession with the supposedly sixteen pop sensation Justin Beiber. Yeah, it's odd when a twenty-something girl is into his music. A twenty something guy? Questions have to be asked. They met at a club, typical for J, and started making out, typical for J. That's when things decided to get less-than-typical. She's invited him to Thursday night drinks the last two weeks. The consensus: He's cute. J is going to break his heart. Justin is just too much of a nice guy. He wants to take things slow because it didn't work out with his last girlfriend. He wants cuddles and movies and long conversations. J just wants sex. She's spent the night at his house, in his bed, twice but they haven't done anything more than kiss. Not due to J's lack of effort, Justin just wants to take things 'slow.' J is starting to get impatient. Last week out clubbing with K and some uni friends she bumped into her old almost-fuck-buddy Y, and they ended up hooking up. That is until J fell over due to a freshly cleaned floor (someone threw up, no one we know!) and instead of helping her up Y just walked away! It made J appreciate Justin, who would certainly never leave her in a heap on the floor. Y is an arsehole. Still, just because she appreciates Justin doesn't mean J wants to be with him. When he last night introduced her to his friends as his 'girlfriend' and they responded "Oh, you must be J" she got a little weirded out. After all, they still aren't having sex. J doesn't want a relationship she wants a fuck buddy. Justin better be willing to put out soon or...let's just say it's easy to feel sorry for him.

K and B are in what you may call a twin bitchfight. It all started when K found out that everyone's been hanging out with E lately. She really doesn't deserve to be pissed off since it's been ages since they broke up and it's not like anyone's forcing her to hang out with him. Still, for whatever reason she decided to blame it on B even though it's not her fault at all. K finally told R to get the fuck out of their house. Although he's been living with them since the beginning of the year he's been keeping his distance lately, probably afraid H will abuse him and kick him out again. Anyway R decided to move in with T, K and B's sister. There really is no escaping him although K is doing a very good job. B has been hanging around with T and R a lot, going to the football and music concerts with them rather than everyone else. She still sees R more often than say J or L. Basically B cracked the shits at K telling her it wasn't up to her to kick R out. This led to several screaming matches about who's in charge and what who's allowed to do and so on. Now K refuses to go out with B in a social setting. It probably didn't help when B started mocking her and telling everyone how she failed her driver's test when everyone knows how much K wants to drive.

Speaking of driving, L just got her licence and hasn't been drinking since designating herself the deignated driver. Poor form L. She also had a job interview at a prestigious law firm and was really excited until she learned said job would be making presentations to rooms of 150 elderly people...in Italian. SHe'll probably still take the job, which should fit in nicely to her already bloated timetable of uni, volunteer work and boozing it up.

H has just moved house, yet again. It's kind of unfortunate because her old house was awesome and really big, but unfortunately too expensive. Her new place is this tiny little apartment in a good (way better) location but it just doesn't have the size that her old place did so we can't all crash there which means way more money spent on cabs. Plus, H's old roomate was this eccentric pothead who was a bit of a recluse but everything he said was extremely amusing. H's new roomate is this really uptight girl who wears her hair in a really tight frenchbraid. Probably a cliche but she's still annoying. One wonders how H could possibly last...

A hasn't had many 'experiences' of late. Between suddenly working extra shifts because the store she works in has been demoted to a clearance store and exams and chem labs every weekend she's getting frantic keeping up, though slightly less broke. Always seen around the booze though A has become obsessed with asking randoms whether they like Guns N Roses and abusing the crap out of them if they say no. She also physically assaulted a guy who had the nerve to suggest she looked Canadian when trying to hit on her. She also bumped into uni-guy and tried to say hi but he turned and ran in the other direction. What is going on there?

"Drunk and being sick, I feel like shit"

Last weekend was a bit of a quiet one with everyone somehow working double shifts saturday and sunday. Of course 'quiet' means A and L were scaring other friends with how much they can drink (and the fact that they can drink straight anything straight out of a glass...who needs shots when you can just have a glass of vodka?) and J and B were texting/calling everyone in their contacts list for a laugh (including Y who was none too pleased...but maybe that was because K called him). Even still, it was decided this weekend's festivities would start on a Thursday. Which they always do.

H was pissed off at being out of the loop having lost invitations to both and footy and M's birthday, and missing out on all the gossip about J's new potential fuck fuddy. Well, she wants a fuck buddy. He wants a relationship. J was pissed because she missed out on The Strokes tickets. K couldn't come because she's been banned for life from Thursday nights everywhere. L has her licence test today so she wasn't there either. E and C came instead. After a few two many shots...ahem glasses, of vodka we were dancing and laughing and making a general nuisance of ourselves. A group of guys who couldn't be out of high school started hitting on A and J and neither were two pleased. H and C convinced them to piss off but one particularly eager one continued to put the moves on J. She thought why not, hooked up with hom, recoiled and yelled 'you kiss like a baby! how old are you?'. That gfot rid of them. Another guy started annoying A with his vigorous dancing. Everyone tried to stop her (especially C) but she couldn't take it and ended up driving a punch straight into his nose. After that everyone got kicked out and went for pizza. Unfortunately the pizza was off or something. B threw up mere minutes later and today E is complaining of food-poisoning. Trust us: not alcohol related. It's been years since pure alcohol has caused any of us to throw up. It's only the combination of bad food and bad booze, which is how J ended up with a souvlaki vomit patch on her carpet.

*****

Meanwhile we're wishing we lived in the US or UK for the following reasons
Lollapalooza: Green Day, The Strokes, Lady Gaga, AFI, Cypress Hill and SO many more
The Warped Tour: Sum 41, Pennywise, Antiflag, Motion City Soundtrack, All-American Rejects, Dropkick Murphys...
The Reading Festival: Queens of the Stone Age, Blink 182, NOFX, Arcade Fire, The Libertines, Modest Mouse, Paramore, All Time Low, The Klaxons, Guns n Roses...

WE have what, 'Supafest' which isn't even a cool name!!

"Being just friends doesn't have to mean settling for something less"*

I recently read somewhere that guy friends are basically boyfriends that didn't work out, and that it's hard to have a guy friend when you're in a committed relationship. It got us thinking about our guy friends and where they came from.

C...C started off as A's gay best friend, which is sort of odd because he isn't actually gay. But he is one of those gay straight guys and sometimes it's hard to tell. A actually thought he was gay for ages and felt really bad when she found out the truth, but needless to say there were no romantic feelings on her behalf. C is a sweetheart (which might be the reason A was never attracted to him) but he had a girlfriend when he met A and hasn't been interested in her since they broke up. They are both very upfront people. A introduced C to everyone else about a year ago and he gets along with everyone very well but none of them too well. He hasn't slept with anyone, and while there has been mild flirting it doesn't seem likely anything will ever come of it. A true 'friend' and certainly not a rejected potential husband or whatever.

P...P is J's gay best friend and so clearly there isn't any attraction coming from him or going to him. P is always up for a good time and is insanely flirty, but it's never going to go anywhere with us. He has an actual boyfriend at the moment and they've been together for several months, which is diffferent as he's usually the play-the-field type. Either way, he won't be making his way into any of our beds and hasn't yet.

E...E is technically K's ex-boyfriend. Okay, there's no technically about it. He used to hang around with us all the time during the year they were together, along with his friend who happened to be seeing another friend of ours at the time. We no longer see her. There was another couple of their single mates. We all used to hang out in a big group and had a lot of fun together. The problem is, E never really loved K. He stayed with her because he knew she'd be upset if he broke up with her, and also because he didn't want to create trouble in our friendship circle. K was really into him and never saw that he wasn't really into her. It was obvious to everyone else. He didn't like to spend time alone, never bought her anything and would forget occasions like her birthday. Eventually they broke up and our group split up virtually into guys and girls. However E and H were really close and they still are. It's been nearly three years since they split up but K completely hates him. We try to spend time with E when K's not around and don't tell her about it. B, H, M and E used to go to the movies every month. I'm not sure if it counts that E is an ex turned friend. K is not friends with him. The rest of us have never slept with him or considered it.

Y...We all used to hang out with Y(and his mates) heaps. We met him through friends at a club and K pursued an unsuccessful relationship with his friend. B also hooked up with another of his friends but never took it any further. After we'd known him for a few months he and J made out and J wanted to take things further. For whatever reason, the two of them never crossed that line. There was always something: not enough alcohol, too much alcohol, an hour walk home, early classes, beach holidays...Eventually J came to the conclusion that he didn't want to sleep with her and we don't really see any of them anymore which is a shame because we all made a good group. So I suppose that's a friendship that came out of failed romance (K and B) but was also ruined by it...(J)

R...B's ex-boyfriend. It hasn't been conclusively decided whether he's actually anyone's friend(actually we kinda hate him), although we do see him more often than some of our actual friends, probably because he lives with B and K. Before the break-up we all got along quite well. H, especially who shared a taste in music with R. Post break-up we all kept our distance a bit because we didn't know what B would want. As the situation unfolds, R is acting more and more like an arsehole and B is tripping over herself to win him back. If he were a friend, R would definately be born out of a relationship that didn't work out. But the truth is, he isn't really anyone's friend. Maybe one day he will be, but the way things are? No way.

S...S works with J and P sometimes, although that's not in fact how we met him. S knows lots of dudes in bands and we know lots of dudes in bands (especially H, who happens to know some bona fide rock stars) and somehow we were introduced. We ended up playing the what the fuck drinking game (where everyone has a 'fuck' name, sings along and anyone who stuffs up has to drink) which meant friends for life. There has always been chemistry between J and S, and they've never really known what to do with it. They have kissed, although nothing more. J has slept with his best mate and S tried to convince A to sleep with him to get J back. We didn't see S for awhile when he was pissed off at J, then they had a nice stale 'friend zone' thing going and now it's at this awkwards will-they-or-won't-they-stage. We didn't technically become friends from a failure of anything but the chemistry between him and J is too hard to ignore. They won't end up together, but the attraction is there.

So looking at that, it's probably around 50/50. Sure some of our best guy pals come out of someone's failed relationship, but there are plenty of girl mates who do to. We met M through a guy she used to date that we knew, and now she hangs with us a lot. Certainly all our guy friends aren't our friends because there was attraction or chemistry at some point. Sometimes friends are just friends. And that's usually where you get the best friendships from because you're not settling for less, you're not hanging out because 'something more' didn't work out, the friendship is that something more. At the end of the day, if you're just settling because it didn't work out or if someone's trying to pursue something more...well, you aren't really friends are you?

*I honestly can't be bothered saying which movie/tv show/song I get all my titles from. If you want to know email me at frenchtoastandfailure@gmail.com

"The Chinese Restaurant" as in the Seinfeld episode

Lately Y has been spotted by everyone, everywhere. Or so it would seem.

It all started when L went out to a new chinese restaurant with her damily for dinner last week. The restaurant was practically empty, but soon after they arrived who was to walk in? Y and his father. Cue awkwardness. L wasn't sure whether she should say hi or not. After all, she doesn't really know Y. Y was J's almost-fuck buddy and almost-boyfriend for awhile. They spent three months furiously making out and exchanging dirty texts before J dropped him because they weren't having sex. It's still unclear why. J believed he couldn't get it up but to be fair, he was usually off his face drunk. Anyway L doesn't know him all that well. B and K do but they weren't there. Still L had seen him several times and was prepared to talk to him. In the end though she didn't have to. He completely barred her. Even though he was seated only a few metres away he didn't look anywhere near her throughout the meal and didn't acknowledge her presnce whatsoever.

Next H spotted him at university. This is not completely out of the blue since they go to the same place. However they are doing completely different subjects and H is only doing part-time this semester so she can work heaps to pay the rent on her huge new place. He barred her as well, turning and walking in the other direction.

K spotted him next, also at university although not the one he or H attends. He tried to get away from her but no one gets away from K that easily. She screamed after him so he turned to face the music.

An interesting sidenote is that K hooked up with (and claimed to fall in love with, although keep in mind she does fall in love at least once a week) one of Y's good friends who never called her back. When Y, J, K and the guy K hooked up with all went out one night after the whole fiasco K kicked him and abused him. Although everyone has seen Y since, no one has seen his friend.

When he realised there was no escaping K, Y had to stop and chat. Because she's a psycho K accused him of barring everyone, even going as far as mentioning the story about him and L in the Chinese restaurant. She started attacking him and told him even though he isn't seeing J anymore she thought she and him were still friends and was upset that he hadn't called her. And until then everyone'd thought K's calling demands were exclusive to boys she wanted a relationship with. Evidently not. Poor Y. It's never fun when someone else makes a huge scene and everyone is staring at some tiny chick screaming at you. Y barely got a word out to K. He tried to apologise but she just yelled over the top of him telling him to stay away from her unless he was going to be a 'loyal' friend.

Looks like no one will be seeing Y for awhile. No wonder he was ignoring everyone.

"Please allow me to introduce myself" The Rolling Stones-Sympathy for the Devil

This really should have been the first post but here we are, a summary of the cast of characters that make up French Toast and Failure.

Introducing*:

A

Opinionated, blunt and honest A is a somtimes geeky law student and at other time rebelious and stupid. Works hard but play harder, A is constantly sick from nights of binge-drinking and obsessed with gigs and music. Currently undertaking a dating game whereby she can only eat dinner if a guy buys it for her, and is starving to death beacause of it.

J

A's best friend, J is an addictive personality addicted to everything from smoking to sex. Works two jobs and is a sometimes student but manages to party harder than everyone she knows. Regularly competes in drink-offs or fuck-offs (pretty much how it sounds) and is into spontaneous adventures like getting a tattoo out of the blue or flying halfway accross the country. Never spends a weekend at home. Ever.

K

Otherwise known as psycho-stalker-bitch. Pretty much the most intense person ever who has absolutely no control over her temper or anything else. REALLY desperate around guys and chases after them with endless phone calls and text messages. Has been kicked out or refused entry to pretty much every club in the city. Dreams of being a cop because she's always on a power-trip. Needlessly violent. DO NOT mess with K.

B

K's twin sister is constantly looking for balance in her life. Needs to please everyone which means she ends up pleasing no one especially not herself. At times she's J's party buddy sidekick eager to have countless one-night-stands and at others she's quiet as a mouse in the corner trying to not to get involved in confrontation. Has no idea what she wants in life.

H

The bitchiest person this side of Regina George, H is rarely nice to anyone who pisses her off. Is clear on her hatred of K, though gets along very well with R. Goes through jobs and drugs and houses like everyone else goes through toilet paper, H is always on the move. She doesn't like habit or being preditable. Has been known to shave her head just because someone suggested she wouldn't.

L

H's best friend, L is the golden girl and a goody-two shoes. Who drinks and smokes. L disappears for weeks at a time during exams and christian holidays. Has a loving family and a perfect academic transcript. Oddly, cannot find a job. Will probably be the first to be married with children now that B and R are over.

R

B's ex-boyfriend from overseas who just dumped her but is still living in her house. Needless to stay, K has tried to kill him. Deceivingly nice, R is actually very selfish and an always troublemaker. He tries to pull B away from her friends and toys with her heart. Not to mention ripping her (and K) off. It is suspected both K and B are still in love with him.

N

Not always around but always amusing, no one is really sure who N is or what she does. She's a lightweight when it comes to alcohol and can usually be found throwing up in a cab. Surprises everyone sometimes, like the time she was caught making out with a stranger on the train.

M

Dancer and good friend of J's, M can be endlessly judgemental. J often hides her indiscretions from M, who always finds out later. Always the first home on a night out, M knows everyone because she went to about 10 different high schools. Has an odd array of friends who are usually more fun than her.

G

Always has the best drinking stories (well, other than A, J and B) and is frequently the last one on the dancefloor. Whip-smart and with a long-term boyfriend, G is often caught dirty dancing or pashing other girls and guys in cloak rooms. Knows everyone that M doesn't and always brings a few extra to any party. In a bitchfight with J.

V

Sexy, hot and completely up-himself, V is a fixture in the clubbing scene. Has had an on/off love/hate relationship with A since forever and has also been with J for two nights. Gets into regular fistfights and can hook up with pretty much any girl he chooses. Is convinced L is in love with him, even though she's hated him since they were 5.

X

V's sidekick and partner-in-crime. Hated by A and loved by L, he's probably lucky to still be alive. Usually seen standing next to V and laughing at his antics. Has no real personality of his own which is probably why he's such good friends with V.

C

Everyone has a gay friend who isn't really gay. C is that friend. He's into musical theatre and wears expensive clothes. Somehow manages to get all the girls even though everyone thinks he's gay at first. Odd.

S

J's friend until she slept with his best mate and their friendship went downhill. Thinks everyone is a drunk and is probably right. K is infactuated with him even though they haven't actually met. If they ever do there will be trouble.

P

P is actually gay and is fuck buddies with pretty much every other gay guy in town, although currently in a relationship. Can drink everyone but A and J under the table. Usually the three of them are still going at 6am. Hates S although pretends they are mates.

T

B and K's older sister, T knows all the cool places to be when sober and knows nothing when drunk. Likes to steal things. Has a lot of older friends but J has already slept with all the hot ones. Is the only person other than B who thinks B and R can work it out.

E

K's ex-boyfriend. Feel very, very sorry for him. He is the main victim (other than B) of K's abuse. Is too afraid to see K which is ruining his friendship with H, B and M.

Y

J's would-be fuck buddy except be won't sleep with her from some unknown reason. Suspected he either can't get it up or is just plain inadequate in bed.

*Letters have been used to protect the identities of the not-so-innocent